Thoughts That Cannot Be Contained

For the past couple weeks, I have been thinking of my mother more and more. This was probably triggered by the loss of my grandfather. I have not fully processed the loss of this man that meant so much to me, who protected me, guided me and gave me more than I could ever repay. He was there for me as a father in ways my actual father simply could not be. He taught me what to look for in a husband and what a father should be for my children.

He did this not just in the way he behaved, but also in things he did not do. He was not perfect but he was my grandfather.

But losing him hit me in a way I did not expect. I have been feeling more and more that I do not have enough time left on this Earth. I have been trying internally to do so much, to love as much as I can, feel as much as I can, so that when my fire burns out I know it was a bright and vibrant fire. 

I am not sure I can say my mother had enough time, she died at the age of 33. I worry many times that my days are numbered just as hers were, but how can I know for sure. I cannot. So now I think of her and it is like a fading picture, each year she is further and further in my head. The ache of losing her is not constant, but it is as powerful as it was years ago.

You do not know the pain of losing a parent until you have lost a parent. It is just one of those things. You may try to understand and to feel for the person, but you will never know. Personally, I hope you never get to.

Growing older, I wish I am able to share these moments with the people I love more. To smile together, cry together, argue with each other and to get advice so valuable it cannot be bought. But not only do I long for her, I pray and hope that I will be able to love my children the way they should be loved. To be able to guide and nurture them the way she did for me, the way my grandfather did for me.

As humans we have a purpose, before we leave this Earth we fulfill that purpose. I know the purpose my mother and grandfather played in my life. Yes, I wish I had them longer, but I had them long enough...I trust God did what was best.

So I will cry when my heart becomes overwhelmed, but I will also honour them by living a full life. I will honour them by loving with a fire so deep it cannot be extinguished. I will touch hearts and lives in all the ways I can.

This is my mission and my hope. 

I miss you more than I can express to anyone and more than can be understood. I love you and I pray each day your soul is resting in peace. 

Advice and Beyond
@Looking_Within

Thoughts

There are times in our lives when we have to make decisions and we are not sure if they are the right ones. It feels difficult and you constantly battle with yourself about it but, in the end it has to be done. You have to make the decision.

I made a decision, I am sure is going to change my life for a little while, but I believe it will be a change for the better. I have been investing my emotion and concerns in something I am not sure is working out for me. As an idea, I love it and I believe it will work however, I have been struggling a bit too much with it and I just can't handle it.

I am at a place right now, where I feel I have lost touch with my relationships and my overall purpose. I have been getting myself down over things that don't seem to be working out and it is affecting everything else. So I decided to take a break from those things and try to get back to my center.

What worries me the most, is that these things will go on without me and won't need me very soon. I also worry that my decision may not be understood, or even worse, it won't matter.

So yeah. I won't say much more about this because it is still a bit raw. We shall see though, I promised myself this will be a year of change and improvement so that is exactly what it will be.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within