Thoughts That Cannot Be Contained

For the past couple weeks, I have been thinking of my mother more and more. This was probably triggered by the loss of my grandfather. I have not fully processed the loss of this man that meant so much to me, who protected me, guided me and gave me more than I could ever repay. He was there for me as a father in ways my actual father simply could not be. He taught me what to look for in a husband and what a father should be for my children.

He did this not just in the way he behaved, but also in things he did not do. He was not perfect but he was my grandfather.

But losing him hit me in a way I did not expect. I have been feeling more and more that I do not have enough time left on this Earth. I have been trying internally to do so much, to love as much as I can, feel as much as I can, so that when my fire burns out I know it was a bright and vibrant fire. 

I am not sure I can say my mother had enough time, she died at the age of 33. I worry many times that my days are numbered just as hers were, but how can I know for sure. I cannot. So now I think of her and it is like a fading picture, each year she is further and further in my head. The ache of losing her is not constant, but it is as powerful as it was years ago.

You do not know the pain of losing a parent until you have lost a parent. It is just one of those things. You may try to understand and to feel for the person, but you will never know. Personally, I hope you never get to.

Growing older, I wish I am able to share these moments with the people I love more. To smile together, cry together, argue with each other and to get advice so valuable it cannot be bought. But not only do I long for her, I pray and hope that I will be able to love my children the way they should be loved. To be able to guide and nurture them the way she did for me, the way my grandfather did for me.

As humans we have a purpose, before we leave this Earth we fulfill that purpose. I know the purpose my mother and grandfather played in my life. Yes, I wish I had them longer, but I had them long enough...I trust God did what was best.

So I will cry when my heart becomes overwhelmed, but I will also honour them by living a full life. I will honour them by loving with a fire so deep it cannot be extinguished. I will touch hearts and lives in all the ways I can.

This is my mission and my hope. 

I miss you more than I can express to anyone and more than can be understood. I love you and I pray each day your soul is resting in peace. 

Advice and Beyond
@Looking_Within

21 Days Gratitude Challenge - Day 3

Write about  something you feel grateful for in your life today...

Right now I am most grateful for opportunities to grow and the people and organizations around me that help me to grow.

This are a little on the rocks for me right now as it relates to work, but I am grateful for the fact that I have hope. I am grateful for the fact that I have persons around me who are helping me through the process in the best way they can.

Sometimes things happen and we convince ourselves that we have to do it alone, that there is no one that cares enough to help; that's not true. We do not have to go through anything alone, and for this I am grateful.

As humans we were never meant to be alone, we just have to find persons worth being around.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

March 12… Someone who inspires you

March 12… Someone who inspires you

There are a number of persons who inspire me, but I will speak on two of those persons right now. They are my sisters Nahalia Munda and Jemelia Munda.

“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather; 
To cheer one on the tedious way, 
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down, 
To strengthen whilst one stands” 
― Christina Rossetti, Goblin Market and Other Poems

They inspire me in a way I didn’t realize they could. Let me give you a little background…

My sisters lost their mother, just as I did, but they were younger than I was and I would say felt it a little bit differently from me because they spent a lot of time with my mom. It was a difficult time, and I was not there for them as much as I should have been to be honest. But I remember the day of the funeral and the hurt that washed over them…it was a lot!

About 2 or 3 years later, my sisters lost their father. Now this was particularly hard for me to grasp so I can only imagine the hurt they must have felt to lose both parents. I had my own struggles but this was a lot for anyone to handle. They then fell into this place of being dependent on others to care for them, when at times it seemed as if these persons did not want to be left with this burden. This I know very little about, because ever since I was a child, my father’s mother has been taking care of me. She may have complained here and there, but never did she send me away. We all had our fair share of trials and tribulations, but for them, they did not get the full support and love they should have.

But guess what, they have been surviving and striving in different ways. I am inspired by Jemelia’s determination and strength. Yes she has made some decisions I am not happy with, and she has been delaying in areas I know she should not be. But guess what, she has a job and she has been trying to do her best to make a better life for herself. She has been trying to not be defined by the things that she has experienced, but rather to be better because of them. I love her kindness and caring soul. She feels a bit more, and expresses herself openly and this is a characteristic many people pray to have. I wish her all the best. I wish her love and happiness. I hope she is able to get a stable life and to not be haunted by the sadness of loss. She will rise, I know this because I see a light in her and that is what she needs.

Then there is my sweetheart Nahalia, who has a sense of discipline I wish I did when I was going to school. I honestly don’t know if it is her way of dealing with the situations she has faced, but I know that she is determined to be more. This inspires me to also want to be more and to fight for it. She has taken a lot of crap that she should not have, but I admire her respectful manner and her spirit. She is a wonderful soul and I know she is destined for greatness. She is intelligent and focused. She inspires me to go for my masters and make a better life for myself. She is much like me in many ways, and I am not sure if that is the reason I connect with her, but I wish I was there more for both of them.

These girls are a gift from Heaven, and despite their mistakes and flaws, I know our mother is looking down and she is so proud of the ladies they are becoming. I pray to God I will be able to play an important role in their lives because we have each other and that matters greatly. I love them soo much and I am blessed to say they are my two beautiful and fabulous sisters.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

What Happiness Means To Me - March 4

Happiness needs gratitude. It means a great appreciation for life and all it entails. It is looking beyond the cruelties and knowing that this world has beauty beyond our imagination.

There are many things that make me happy. The little things and the big ones...here are 5.

1. Music
        “Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”
― Victor Hugo
A good song makes me happy...puts me in a place of peace. A song has the ability to evoke in me so many different emotions but the ones that make me happy are the ones that I love most.  A song that makes me think about the people I love, is one that brings me great joy. I mean how can you not love music!

2. Food

Well this is a given if you know me. Food sustains us,  gives our bodies the energy they need to make it through each day.  Eating food gives me great pleasure. I am beyond grateful that I have the provisions to buy food each day. There are soo many persons out there who worry each day about what they are going to eat. They are homeless and broke. So yes! Food makes me happy because I am blessed to be able to enjoy the variety.

3a. Friends
“I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

To have good people in my life who can make me smile and be there for me in the tough times...this makes me happy. I have been blessed with friends who put up with my nonsense and aid me in my growth. They make me realise that even when you feel things aren't going right, they are going somewhere and for a reason. I have made new friends and they give me joy just as much as the old ones. It is truly an honour for me to be able to be a friend and to proudly say I have great friends. Yes,  they frustrate me at times and I doubt their love. But at the end of the day I am reminded and my smile returns in full glow.

3b. My Love - Gibran
Gibran makes me happy in so many ways. He is there for me, he makes me smile and laugh my ass off. He makes me feel loved and cared for. He listens to my cares and concerns, ans he helps to ease my mind. He is a great soul and I am happy to say I love him and he loves me.

"You make my frown turn upside down and now my worries are gone." ― Owl City,  Hot Air Ballon

4. Family
I have a pretty dysfunctional family. I won't hide or deny that. I will say though that I am blessed to have a family and this makes me happy. It makes me eclectic when I think of my grandparents who assumed the responsibility for little me. They took care of me when my mother couldn’t and my father was too selfish to try. I am happy for the blessings to have cousins I can learn from, sisters to share life's trials with. I am happy I was able to know and love a mother so sweet, who sacrifices for her children and always put them first.
Though he was not the best,  I am happy because I have a father who makes me laugh and tells the most way out stories. Family is a gift. I may not have experienced that overprotective brother type thing that most baby girls do, but my brothers have been there for me and helped me. My two little cousins make me happy because I get to see them grow and I am able to help in whatever way possible.

5. GOD
Without the Heavenly Father, I would not have been able to list the above 4/5 things that make me happy. For this simple reason He is my main source of happiness.  He wakes me up in the mornings and gives me the strength to make it through the day. He has blessed me with my basic senses which allow me to experience the awesomeness of His creations. I am elated to know that I am blessed and highly favoured. To know that I have been given a gift and purpose by God, brings me unimaginable joy. He is the greatest source.

So just as the challenge urged me, I urge you to count your blessings. Think of the things that make you happy and write about them. Be grateful. Be happy.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

What are Your Goals for March? For me they are...

At the beginning of the new year, I spoke of goals which are very important when you are on a journey of growth. http://lookingwithinu.blogspot.com/2014/01/new-year.html  I made for myself a list of goals for the year, so each month I should try to fulfill these goals and/or maintain what they entail. Here are some of them that I wish to focus on for March.

1. God.
           Most important is a relationship with God. In a society of people either always on the move or stuck feeling sorry for themselves; we lose sight of the importance of God. We forget to be grateful and to help our brothers as God sends others to help us. So for March and every other month I am alive, my goal is to strengthen my relationship with God. To go to church regularly and get involved, to practice gratitude and to be a blessing to those around me. I wish to one day be able to feel his light shining through me, I wish to be a beacon for others.

2. Kindness

                 It is an aspired life goal of mine to be a better person; to be a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for those who need it. Based on research and basic human knowledge, being kind helps to improve your quality of life. Just doing something for another person and help to make you happier in so many ways. Even better, it helps to improve the lives of those around you, because you never know when someone may need a helping hand or kind word. This is why it is my goal for March to be kinder, to be a means of encouragement and support for the people around me

3. Quality Time

                      I definitely need to spend more time with the people I love. Many times I feel distant from my family, friends and significant other. I feel a sense of loneliness that should not be because I have people who love me in my life. I am getting a 2 weeks break from work starting March 14 and It is my goal to use this time to be around my loved ones more. When we get too busy, we get distant. I don't want that.

4. Getaway!

                  Another goal for March is to have a day away from all the hassles of my everyday life. I suggested and have been planning a trip out of town with my boyfriend. I see him a lot but we don't spend nearly enough time together, so this will be the perfect opportunity to relax, rewind and reconnect in a new way. I just want to be able to lay on the beach and enjoy the greatness of God's creation with him. I want to explore together. This will totally give me some extra points on the quality time goal lol.

5. Writing

              With this month's challenge and the one I got for February, I am surely working on my goal to write and express more. But I need to write more of my psychological posts. So it is my proposed goal to write at least 5 posts for March this is not related to the challenge. I need to keep myself in touch with my true purpose, I need to remind myself of the reason I am working a job I don't like. Writing does that, psychology does that.

I have other small goals to achieve, or more life to do lists. I want to start baking and making healthy treats like fruit smoothies. I also need to work on getting my glasses and researching scholarships for my masters. March is definitely a month of things to do, but I will enjoy it. This will be a great month for me, no matter what!

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

New Year

New Year...

Hey peeps, it has been a while since I placed my fingers on the letter keys and just left my feelings flow, so I figured now is a better time than any.

It is the New Year!!! So happy we could all live to see this year and all the wonders it has to offer. With that said, I like many others have written down the things I want to improve on for this year. I did this not because it is cliche or expected, but because I need to take control of my life and this is the way I know how.

What is the point in living if you don't feel fulfilled and satisfied at the end of the day? Why should the bad days take over and dominate your perspective? This was beginning to consume me, the bad days, the bad feelings, the "I can't be bothered anymore" until I started to lose interest in the things I love. So I decided that with the gift of a new year, I will change this and develop a better and healthier me, both inside and out.

I have included my friends in this as well, because it is always easier to make changes when the people around you allow you to. Growth is easy with support, so I want to be there for them as much as I want them there for me.

So I challenge you my few readers, take the time to put your pen to paper and solidify the commitment to achieve your goals whether big or small, sign it and work towards it. Take the initiative and control your life and well being. Involve your friends, family and spouse because a journey walked together will bring you closer.

Our goal for this year should be healthy well-being!! Inside and Out!!!

    Advice & Beyond...  

@Looking_Within

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY....:( :D

For the last week and a half, I have actively been trying to forget that today is what it is. But when I woke up this morning and saw everyone posting similar statuses or tweets, it finally hit me that I cannot ignore this no more that I can just stop breathing. This day is both sour and sweet for me, and somehow I lost touch of the sweet and decided to forget it because of the sour. I lost my mother as most may know, so Mother's day is not a very good day for me. It is actually strange how much my heart still aches after all this time, but it does.

However, today I decided to speak to the women who have been a mother to me when I needed it most, and who most likely will continue to do so.

My Aunts: Donna and Helen Daley, these women have been there for me, doing things a mother and father are required to do. They have provided for me, given me advice and have given me so much to be grateful for. I love you both and to you I say, 'HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY'!

My Grandmother: one of the greatest gifts God has given me. When I was young and even now, we had ups and downs and I never realised at the time how blessed I was, but I know now, and I am so glad that she is still here in my life.

Kameil: She may be my cousin, but she has been there. She has also been my adviser, she has been my protector and she has taught me many things. Added to that she is a mother (lol).

All these women in my life and I love them so. Of course there are others who have aided my growth, and I thank them as well. I will never forget my mother, even when her voice seems to fade from my memory, but I am more than grateful to the Heavenly Father for the persons he has strategically placed in my life to cushion the blow of losing someone so special.

So today I will try to smile through the aches and pains, for I am blessed and highly favoured.