Thoughts That Cannot Be Contained

For the past couple weeks, I have been thinking of my mother more and more. This was probably triggered by the loss of my grandfather. I have not fully processed the loss of this man that meant so much to me, who protected me, guided me and gave me more than I could ever repay. He was there for me as a father in ways my actual father simply could not be. He taught me what to look for in a husband and what a father should be for my children.

He did this not just in the way he behaved, but also in things he did not do. He was not perfect but he was my grandfather.

But losing him hit me in a way I did not expect. I have been feeling more and more that I do not have enough time left on this Earth. I have been trying internally to do so much, to love as much as I can, feel as much as I can, so that when my fire burns out I know it was a bright and vibrant fire. 

I am not sure I can say my mother had enough time, she died at the age of 33. I worry many times that my days are numbered just as hers were, but how can I know for sure. I cannot. So now I think of her and it is like a fading picture, each year she is further and further in my head. The ache of losing her is not constant, but it is as powerful as it was years ago.

You do not know the pain of losing a parent until you have lost a parent. It is just one of those things. You may try to understand and to feel for the person, but you will never know. Personally, I hope you never get to.

Growing older, I wish I am able to share these moments with the people I love more. To smile together, cry together, argue with each other and to get advice so valuable it cannot be bought. But not only do I long for her, I pray and hope that I will be able to love my children the way they should be loved. To be able to guide and nurture them the way she did for me, the way my grandfather did for me.

As humans we have a purpose, before we leave this Earth we fulfill that purpose. I know the purpose my mother and grandfather played in my life. Yes, I wish I had them longer, but I had them long enough...I trust God did what was best.

So I will cry when my heart becomes overwhelmed, but I will also honour them by living a full life. I will honour them by loving with a fire so deep it cannot be extinguished. I will touch hearts and lives in all the ways I can.

This is my mission and my hope. 

I miss you more than I can express to anyone and more than can be understood. I love you and I pray each day your soul is resting in peace. 

Advice and Beyond
@Looking_Within

Step out today...IN FAITH

Things happen for a reason...How many of us believe this statement without doubts? Honestly, not a lot.

As is expected, we find more understanding in the good things that happens to us, rather than the things that are not so good. This is natural because I mean if I get a promotion of course I'm going to say it is because of my hard work and dedication. On the other hand,  if I am demoted or let go, I will find it hard to figure out what the reason for this could possibly be.

Not all persons are like these, there are some persons who believe in God's will and grace. They believe that he does not give us more than we can bear and that all the little things tie into a bigger picture.

Do you want to know the truth? It does! We won't always understand why things happen but you trust and believe in God's will you will be able to continue to have hope. Your faith won't waver and crumble because things aren't going the way you wish it would.

Things don't just end, they give way for new beginnings and possibilities. 

Your life isn't over because you lost your job, you didn't get promoted or you are broke. As long as you are breathing there is hope and a chance for things to turn around.

But it's not that easy, you have to take the first steps and keep moving in faith. Maybe it won't come immediate...most times it doesn't. We have to work hard and continue to work because we know God's plans WILL be fulfilled. All that you need to make this work will come to you,  you just have to take those steps.

STEP OUT IN FAITH! LET IT BE YOUR FASHION.

Until next time...
Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

21 Days Gratitude Challenge - Day 3

Write about  something you feel grateful for in your life today...

Right now I am most grateful for opportunities to grow and the people and organizations around me that help me to grow.

This are a little on the rocks for me right now as it relates to work, but I am grateful for the fact that I have hope. I am grateful for the fact that I have persons around me who are helping me through the process in the best way they can.

Sometimes things happen and we convince ourselves that we have to do it alone, that there is no one that cares enough to help; that's not true. We do not have to go through anything alone, and for this I am grateful.

As humans we were never meant to be alone, we just have to find persons worth being around.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

What does it mean to be your “Brother’s Keeper”? Does it mean being there when the person needs you? Or is it more than that?

Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" "I don't know," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"

-       Genesis 4: 9

I was thinking of my present relationships and I wondered to myself if they really hold as much value as I claim they do. I started to question the true meaning of friendship and being there for someone and the first thing to come to my mind is being my brother’s keeper.

Now, I think to be your brother’s keeper means a whole lot more than we may want to accept, because that means it will take work and time…But isn't that what friendships and relationships are really about? The work we put in to keep them alive?

“If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it . . .” (1 Corinthians 12:26)

I think, as with many other teachings of the Bible, we have come to water down and rationalize the teachings and expectations of God. But even if you don’t want to look at this from a religious perspective, how strong can a friendship or relationship be if we just do the bare minimum when it suits us? If we leave things at, “She knows I am here for her” instead of showing her that you are there?

It is such a great thing, and maybe a not so great thing, that Google was invented, because it saved me time on finding passages in the Bible that speaks to us being there for each other or being each others’ keepers.  So I will try to tie what I have found, with my own view on what this means to me. I know I have not been practicing this, but in my heart I believe we should be doing way more than we believe we are now.

1.    Show Love; It is so funny, that as soon as I typed this, a car passed and the words of the song said “Love is, call on me sister.” Loving someone and showing it is a part of being that person’s keeper. It is not about just caring when it is convenient, it is about lending a helping hand, sharing kind words or being a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. There are many times we need people far more than we are comfortable to express, but there is that moment when someone is there for you and you feel as if all hope is not lost. Now don’t be fooled, people know when you are not genuine, they know when you are more curious than caring and loving. They also know when you are doing things out of perceived obligation or pity, so it is up to us to find it in our hearts to do this because we want to, and no so much because it is expected of us.

2.    Show Kindness

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me..." - Matthew 25:35

There are so many ways in which we can show kindness to one another. We can buy a friend lunch, lend them a book or help them to clean their house. At Church of the Resurrection, a part of helping the elderly in church is by visiting them to read with them, listen to them and also help out around the house. So whether it is washing, sweeping or straightening up, we are helping them out and showing them kindness.

Being kind is about being there for someone and helping them with something that they may need. Also, being kind is a great way of improving self, you are much happier when you are kind to others. So if that means a compliment then you put a smile on their face and you light a spark in their hearts. We all just need someone to care, and honestly if we decided to be each others’ keepers, we would not have a lot of the problems we do now. But as with everything else, we are humans limit ourselves and we struggle.

3.    Feel the urge to do more…

Now I was talking to a few of my friends, just to get an understanding of their view on this lost topic, and I must say I was not very shocked. I was not shocked because this is how I have been behaving though I know it is not right. We have somehow convinced ourselves that being our brother’s keeper means doing the best we can when we can. But are we really looking out for others, or just ourselves. Being your brother’s keeper should not be when you are comfortable or when you have time; it should be a constant practice in our lives. It should also not be limited to family members and close friends, sometimes the persons that need our help the most are those we don’t look to help.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2

As we grow, we change and we develop. What was our best in primary school, is certainly not our best now. This is the same with our relationships with each other. Yes maybe 4 years ago, the best you could do is a pat on the back or “I’m sorry”, but certainly now should be different. It should be different because we should be pushing ourselves to do more and be more for each other. Yes we need to strike a balance between being someone’s crutch and their keeper. We should also strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and others. But honestly, are we really trying to do as much as we can? Or are we stuck in the mindset that we are doing our best, especially with all we have to deal with? I know that I am not doing my best, and I can say that to anyone, because now I can actually work on that. We should all look into our hearts, take the time to reflect on our friendships and relationships and be honest with ourselves. Could things be better if we gave a little bit more?

The mind is a powerful part of who we are, it has the ability to help us to cope with challenging thoughts. For example, a part of you feels as if you are not there enough for the people around you, but then you have so much on your plate you can’t possibly find the time. You know what your mind does? It convinces you that you are doing enough. Don’t get me wrong, maybe you are really doing enough, but I also know that we make time for the things that are important to us, and even if it is for 5 minutes, we can reach out to someone just to send them a picker upper, whether they may need it or not. I mean, don’t we need it sometimes too? Not a whole therapy session, but just a “Hey, I am proud of you. I know you may get tired, but hang in there because you have immeasurable strength.”

4.    We need to look out for each other…

This may be a touchy topic because some people may say “not everyone wants help from others” and maybe you are right, but does that stop us from trying? Everyone may not believe they need saving, but it didn’t stop Jesus from dying for our sins so that we can be saved right?

“Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.” - Nehemiah 4:14

The Bible tells us to fight for our brothers and our family. It did not tell us, “Ask them if they need help then offer it”, we got that thought from somewhere else. So no, I do not believe that being my brother’s keeper means I ask him if he is okay when he seems a bit down. Like I said, I am guilty of it too, but that does not make it right. 

An example came to mind and I will share it because, well I don’t see a problem sharing it.

Jane, Sally, Jessie and Kelly are all friends. Now one day, Jane hears something from Janet about Kelly, something she knows Kelly would not have said to everyone. So, Jane because worried and feels the need to warm Kelly. But she doesn’t really want her, as much as makes her suspicious of everyone else. Because what she says to Kelly is, “Be careful of who you tell stuff because I heard something from someone, and I am sure you didn’t tell them.”

Now honestly, is that being your brother’s keeper? Fully, anyways? I don’t believe so, because really Jane is trying to save herself in case Kelly decides to confront Janet, and who does that help? Not Kelly.

This is just an example; we have to look out for each other, even if that means it may cause a little conflict. So you saw your best friend’s boyfriend with another girl, don’t go around being cryptic and sending hints. Let her know, regardless of the fact that she may get upset with you and not believe you. Because, sometimes the right thing to do and the hard thing to do; are the same things.

Well honestly, those are my thoughts. They are not Gospel and have not been written in stone, and they also do not cover the full meaning of being your brother’s keeper, but they are simply my thoughts. I am open to comments and constructive criticisms; I mean how else can we learn?

Thank you for reading, until next time.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

March 12… Someone who inspires you

March 12… Someone who inspires you

There are a number of persons who inspire me, but I will speak on two of those persons right now. They are my sisters Nahalia Munda and Jemelia Munda.

“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather; 
To cheer one on the tedious way, 
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down, 
To strengthen whilst one stands” 
― Christina Rossetti, Goblin Market and Other Poems

They inspire me in a way I didn’t realize they could. Let me give you a little background…

My sisters lost their mother, just as I did, but they were younger than I was and I would say felt it a little bit differently from me because they spent a lot of time with my mom. It was a difficult time, and I was not there for them as much as I should have been to be honest. But I remember the day of the funeral and the hurt that washed over them…it was a lot!

About 2 or 3 years later, my sisters lost their father. Now this was particularly hard for me to grasp so I can only imagine the hurt they must have felt to lose both parents. I had my own struggles but this was a lot for anyone to handle. They then fell into this place of being dependent on others to care for them, when at times it seemed as if these persons did not want to be left with this burden. This I know very little about, because ever since I was a child, my father’s mother has been taking care of me. She may have complained here and there, but never did she send me away. We all had our fair share of trials and tribulations, but for them, they did not get the full support and love they should have.

But guess what, they have been surviving and striving in different ways. I am inspired by Jemelia’s determination and strength. Yes she has made some decisions I am not happy with, and she has been delaying in areas I know she should not be. But guess what, she has a job and she has been trying to do her best to make a better life for herself. She has been trying to not be defined by the things that she has experienced, but rather to be better because of them. I love her kindness and caring soul. She feels a bit more, and expresses herself openly and this is a characteristic many people pray to have. I wish her all the best. I wish her love and happiness. I hope she is able to get a stable life and to not be haunted by the sadness of loss. She will rise, I know this because I see a light in her and that is what she needs.

Then there is my sweetheart Nahalia, who has a sense of discipline I wish I did when I was going to school. I honestly don’t know if it is her way of dealing with the situations she has faced, but I know that she is determined to be more. This inspires me to also want to be more and to fight for it. She has taken a lot of crap that she should not have, but I admire her respectful manner and her spirit. She is a wonderful soul and I know she is destined for greatness. She is intelligent and focused. She inspires me to go for my masters and make a better life for myself. She is much like me in many ways, and I am not sure if that is the reason I connect with her, but I wish I was there more for both of them.

These girls are a gift from Heaven, and despite their mistakes and flaws, I know our mother is looking down and she is so proud of the ladies they are becoming. I pray to God I will be able to play an important role in their lives because we have each other and that matters greatly. I love them soo much and I am blessed to say they are my two beautiful and fabulous sisters.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

My Struggles…March 10

My Struggles…March 10

“The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have struggled with so many things over the years, and honestly I think I have gotten better at handling some of them as I grow. I have always had an issue with insecurity, thinking I am not good enough or pretty enough. But somehow I was able to change that a little. I am not saying that it does not come back, but I have found the strength to believe in my self-worth and beauty just a little bit more. I also struggle with the death of my mother and the changes this caused. Just to know that she is not here to love us the way we should be loved especially my sisters and my brother. I struggle with that. I struggle with the thought that “family” could be as selfish as to tell teenagers they have to find somewhere to live; after all, family should be there to protect you. I just don’t know… I wish I could change the world with one snap of a finger but I can’t.

But since I honestly don’t have the emotional strength to delve into that… I will write a little on the other things I struggle with.

“Do it again and again. Consistency makes the rain drops to create holes in the rock. Whatever is difficult can be done easily with regular attendance, attention and action.”
― Israelmore Ayivor, The Great Hand Book of Quotes

I don’t know why, but I am unable to continue with most of things that I start. So I find that I have to play catch up or I get so discouraged I just quit it. Example, taking my supplements…I have been trying to take them each day but I always seem to forget. I thought of setting a reminder on my phone but that doesn’t work because I don’t eat the same time each day. Sigh, I need to get a hold of this because I am trying to build a life for myself. There are little things I need to get into the habit of doing. So far I have only been consistent with my morning messages. I guess I just need to find the discipline to extent that into other areas of my life.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been struggling with the belief that my dreams and aspirations will come true. I have been stuck in this place of working because I need to survive and I feel as if my dreams are moving out of my reach. I have to constantly remind myself that I am meant for greater things than just a job answering calls and changing packages. Every day I feel as if my spirit is breaking, I struggle to stand strong and believe. It isn’t easy trying to make your dream work when the environment you are in each day makes you feel as if you should not reach higher than where you are. But I know better…I HAVE to believe in better for myself and those around me.

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

It is my goal to pray more this year, because I know prayer brings healing. I don’t know why but I find myself just falling asleep during my prayer or before I even think to start it. There are times I may wake up at night and I take some time to give God thanks. I also try to do this before I get up in the mornings, but it is not a regular practice. To be honest, I don’t think I should be struggling with this but it seems I am. I need to find a way to find this struggle and not let myself fall into this space where it doesn't matter. It does.

As I said, I struggle with much more, like eating right and the things that have happened to me in the past. I struggle with thoughts and memories that make me feel the urge to rip my skin from my body. They make me feel dirty and unworthy…but I don’t have the strength to speak of them so publicly. Maybe another time I will, because sharing your story may just help someone else.

Well thank you for reading…

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

February Writing Challenge - Day 22

Long Lost Friend/Family Member

I stopped writing for a couple days, partially because I was busy and tired, but also because I did not feel the urge to. I was speaking to my friend, Hannah, and in encouraging her to write, I realize I too needed to be discipline and stick to writing. So I have decided to write on each day of this challenge that I missed.

In my life, I have lost friends and a family member. This past Thursday, I was able to reconnect with a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and also speak to someone who used to be very close to me.

They say real friendship can stand the test of time, but is that really true? Just because a friendship ended, does that take away the fact that while it existed, it was real and true? 

There was a time in my life when I refused to let people in, to let them see my struggles. But I came upon a group of people who cared for me and I too cared for them. When I first thought of what I would write for this challenge, it felt risky and so I decided against it. It was today, after watching Brene Brown's TEDTalk on Vulnerability, that I decided "So What".

While in university, I got very close with one of those friends, some would say too close. Others described our relationship as isolating, because it was almost as if no one else was there. At the time I didn't see this, or maybe I didn't want to admit it, but now I can see how this could have been the case. She was my friend, and I was her friend, that is all I bothered to care about. She was there for me and I was there for her, yes there were times of disagreement, but essentially, this friendship was real. At first I was a bit skeptical, but I was convinced after a while that I should invest in this friendship, because she made it seem worth it.

She shared things with me, that I believed no one else knew, and I shared with her. She helped me and I believe I helped her too. But somehow, all this faded and things crashed and burnt. To this day, I am unable to fully explain the reason we are no longer friends, the reason we did not speak to each other for years. I only know it had a little to do with control, acceptance and willingness. Things just went wrong, and it became a can of unresolved issues and cases of victimization. I was so bothered by this, that I could not stop talking about it, and picking at cases in my mind when I feel I should have known better. I started to try to find reasons to be angry at myself. 

In the end, I realized there was no need to. She was my friend, despite how the friendship ended. There were good times and right now I don't regret it. With all else that has happened, I have tried to develop an appreciation of the events in my life, good and bad. I have been trying to learn from each situation. So even though we are no longer close, or even friends really; I do care. I will also not hinder myself from forming other friendships because of fear. I am still here and because I know the importance of good friendships, for however many years I am alive I will continue to grow in my friendships and where the opportunity arises, I will form new ones.

I pray I am never friendless and that I will be able to be a friend for others. I have learned to fight for the people who mean a lot to me, and to let them know how much I care. I have learned value and importance and how to show that to the people around me. I have not mastered this, but I am learning to. So friendships that ended are not ones to be bitter and upset about…they are ones to learn from and to be grateful they existed.

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

Feb 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 5

A day in the life of Me...

5:15am:

It is one of the hardest things for me to get out of bed, but I have work at 7 and I need to get going.  When you take the bus, you have to leave your home earlier than others.  That's me.

Of course because I am tired, my body and mind are trying to find every way to rest. So I end up trying on different clothes and just sit there. I found something though, a pink ruffled top and my black pencil skirt.  To the shower I go. The water is already hot because I turned it on as soon as I woke up.

Here comes the rush. It is all a blur, I just know I got ready, got my breakfast and lunch and was out by about 6:15am. I ended up walking half of the way down the hill. But I got a taxi and a bus pretty quickly and got to work by 6:43am.

7:15am

I have started my rounds. Calls are coming in a lot but I am managing the best I can. I have to try to keep my spirits high.

9:00am
I was asked to log into live chat. God thank you because I was getting tired of talking. I feel withdrawn a bit today. I don't know why but it seems appropriate.

Nadine has cake too, black forest and cheese cake. I honestly hope I get a piece of each because I could use a pick up. J.

11:21am

Seems a number of people are in the typing mood today. It is not so bad though. I feel as if I have a lot on my mind but I am trying to sieve through it all. I wish I could be able to curl up and read my book. I started to read The Mortal Instruments again; I am on to book two City of Ashes.

It is strange to me, how in a society of “educated” and “enlightened” beings, we have so many persons who fail to read with understanding and to listen. My gosh I find that I am repeating myself over and over. It is the most frustrating thing, especially when you are typing. Written words don’t just fly away you know. Jeesh!

But as you may have realized, my life is not so exciting. Usually I get some memorable customers, good and bad but not today. But let me not speak too soon.

The trouble being a customer care representative most times, is distinguishing targets made at the self and those made to the company. For me personally, I believe people need to learn how to relate to each other, especially strangers. You make a mark based on how you speak to the person or refer to them. We are told to call the customer’s name as a way of personalizing the customer and making them feel like an individual, but I guess because they are “paying” for a service, they don’t feel the need to respect the agent most times.

But that is my two pence. These are people we are dealing with, on both ends. I am not an inanimate object without feelings. Whether you are referring to me directly or not, speak with respect.

6:44pm

I had a good day at work and now I am home. I have showered and I am doing some work. Trying to sort out the next charity mission for the book club I am apart of. I have been losing my focus and drive but I am getting it back slowly.

I have to push myself, because if I don't, no one else will. I need to make a change somehow. I need to know that I was able to enhance someone else's life some way some how.

Today someone asked me if my blog was popular, and honestly it isn't. I don't need for it to be. Because I am not doing this for likes, I am doing it for personal development and fulfillment. I am doing this so that even if I touch just one person, I did a great deal.

Not much more is gonna happen for me. Just going to watch last night's episode of Being Mary Jane, eat the last half of my muffin and finalize this charity mission.

Thank you to those who read my blog. I appreciate it.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

Thinking it through. ..

Sitting here on my day off, I just feel like relaxing. I think my mind needs a break from all the worries it keeps entertaining. I will find peace because it is in my destiny, it is in all our destinies.

I just know that this life will be filled with great things, mostly because I know I am favoured and because I have begun to experience some of these great things.

Life is a beautiful gift, and like anything else it has its ups and downs but essential it is pure greatness. Soon we will be able to listen to the birds as they sing and we will know that joy is around us. We will watch the sun set and we will be sure of the beauty in this world. We will watch the flowers grow and wither and grow again, this will confirm perseverance and purpose. In all aspects of life we can learn an important lesson, we can find the strength and reason to stay positive.

So let us REFUSE to focus on the negative things that lurk around us. Let us not shed our light on them because the minute we do, we give them energy and allow them to take over.

Have a great month and I hope you are able to open your eyes and see your blessings.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within