Looking Within

August 26th…Waking Up Heavy

This morning I woke up and fell on my knees to give God thanks for another day. I didn’t go to church today, and honestly it may be because I am afraid of the looks I may get since I haven’t been in a while. But I know at some point I have to get over those fears because who are they to judge me? I know I haven’t been in the place that I want to be, and for that I am willing to work to get back to that place of peace.

God is good and His mercy is everlasting. I do believe this, and I hope I am able to get to the point where I am good. Where I am able to forgive others. Where I am able to lose all hate and anger. It not only wounds my soul, but it damages my temple.

A lady was on the bus preaching and I found myself lost in her words. The conviction and truth of what she was saying held me close like a blanket in the storm. She was able to open my eyes to what I needed to see.

I pray I am able to get to the point where I am fulfilling my purpose in God’s name.

Sing me Home’ by Jodi Picoult (Page 58)

I have finished chapter one of ‘Sing me home’ and I must say, this novel started with a bang. There are some many things we are made aware of in this first chapter; which was told from Zoe’s perspective. We have learnt the start of her relationship with Max, as well as how she uses music to help other people.

I think the one thing that has hit me the hardest so far is the stillbirth. I must say that JP has a way of writing about the very things we wish to not think about. Or things that are so controversial people try not to look at the other side of the coin.

This woman, who believes that the fact that she buried her doll as a child, has cause a karmic effect and that is the reason she is unable to have children. After trying for 9 years, she finally got to 26 weeks, only to go into labour at her bridal shower. By the time she got to the hospital, her baby was dead.

‘She looks me in the eye, “I’m afraid your baby is dead”. Into the silence rips a sound that makes me let go of Max’s hand and cover my ears. It is like the strafe of a bullet, nails on a chalkboard, promises broken. Its a note I have never heard-this chord of pure pain- and it takes a moment to realize it is coming from me.’

There is something about this excerpt that has me holding my heart as if it were slowly breaking. How does one recover from such pain? Where you got to the point of naming your child and in an instant, that baby is gone… and because you are alive, you are expected to move on.

Well I am not at the point where Max has decided that he is too tired to continue a relationship that is consumed with doctor’s visits and injections. He has gotten to the point where he believe Zoe is more in love with his sperm than he is. He has gotten to the point where he is jealous over something that does not exist.

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I have gotten to a point where I don’t have much faith in things anymore. I have gotten to the point where I believe that I try too hard to fix things or make things work. I have been feeling like a sore thumb for the last few weeks or months, and it has really gotten me down. Down to the point where I just don’t feel an urge to fight.

The good thing is that, work started today and school starts on Monday. So when I feel far away or left out, I’ll have a valid explanation. I really thought this summer would have been different, but it was actually worse. I felt as if I was trying to be apart of something that my body didn’t fit.

Maybe it’s how it is. I just find I am too tired to convince people to care, or to make them see me. It’s either you do or you don’t.

I will constantly remind myself that people do what they want to do when they want to do it. You can’t force a person to be who you want them to be, to care or to do something. They have a choice and they make it how they feel it.

Anyways, let me stop being morbid, I guess I’m just exhausted.

Keep it moving…

It’s so funny how we beg for school to be done, but when we have holidays; after like a week, we want to go back to school. This is because, people don’t really enjoy doing nothing, especially when you are at a place where you’re trying to figure out your life’s journey.

I am not saying that you should always be on the go, all I’m saying is, everything in moderation. We all need time to ourselves to clear our thoughts, think about our behaviours and if it is in line with our values and beliefs. We need time to re-evaluate ourselves and the people around us, to appreciate the little things and continue to improve.

On the other hand, we need to be productive. Honestly, this isn’t just about having a job or going to school. Something as simple as committing yourself to a daily blog, or helping out a neighbor. We can do small things and still feel accomplished. Doing nothing doesn’t help you to grow; sitting infront of a computer just watching movies for everyday of the week is not productive. I honestly believe this to be a fact, though it may just be my opinion.

We are all social beings, who aspire growth and sustainability. We want to know that we contributed something to this world, and honestly how can you do this by sitting on your bum everyday.

Have Fun...

Day at Fort Clarence Beach

Life is so much easier when you decide not to let other people change your mood. I went to the beach today with an odd combination of people in my opinion, but I had such a wonderful time. That is because even when moments came where I felt the annoyance slipping in, I ignored it. i jumped in the water and just allowed the waves to wash it away. It is the greatest feeling.

I know persons may think that I ran away from my emotions, but I believe I maintained my sanity. I allowed myself to have a great day because I deserved it and no one was going to take it away. Yes the day ended prematurely but it won’t take away from the amazing time I had.

I was able to have a great time with my best friend, and it has been a while since I allowed myself to just be in that manner. I really think things are looking up.

I don’t have it all figured out right now, but I am glad I am able to learn one step at a time. It was still hard for me to maintain control and also try to just be free and have fun, i got to though. It’s not all insightful today, but honestly I feel very proud and happy.

Peace out!

Too much, Too little (Throwback)

Too much and too little
dry eyes but a drowning heart
how do i do this thing they call life when i don’t feel stable??
How do i look for the light when my eyes are completely covered??
I hear the voices but i can’t judge them
I feel the hands but i can’t predict their movements
how do i do this thing they call life??
I need a song, a sweet melody

But even music i can’t trust…..

There’s love, happiness and destiny
What if my destiny is without love and happiness??
What if it’s just destruction and pain and sadness??
I can’t trust you
I can’t believe what I hear
so what’s the point in talking??
Save your breathe
preserve your heart
I’ll just lay here in the dark
until it’s my time to part…..

Every life has a soundtrack… What’s on your playlist?

I love music, that is a fact. I don’t know how someone could not love music. I mean even the deaf try to find ways to feel the melodies and chords. Let him who have the ears to hear, hear. I have the ears and I am hearing.

Now, in the novel I am reading, the main character is a music therapist and she believes every life has a soundtrack; with songs that remind you of a places you have been in your life. Songs that travel in time for emotions you felt and thrust them upon you. It can be a good or bad experience, but she believes there is a song to uncover that.

So it had me thinking, what songs are on my soundtrack and what do they represent?

1. We are young by Fun (Cover done by Glee Cast). This song reminds me of my friends, honestly! (lol). Everytime I hear this song, all the fun times I had with those girls just play back in my mind. Our group has gotten smaller but I still love them so dearly.

I know this isn’t a song about friends but its how it makes me feel. I do believe that ‘we can burn brighter than the sun.’ Let me tell you, my friends are fun, loud, funny, beautiful, intelligent, frustrating, emotional and just absolutely great in their individual ways. I remember all the times at school where we would make videos, have meetings and so many great things.

My friends were there at my mother’s funeral as a support system. They were there when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time for not coming. Even today we were thinking about the time my bestfriend and I made a cover video for ‘Bed by J. Holiday’. Trust me we are cray cray but in the greatest way possible. Those girls were there when I was moody and bitchy. They were there to make me smile when all I wanted to do was just crawl under a rock.

‘so if by the time the bar closes and if you feel like

falling down,I’ll carry you home, tonight’

I think everyone deserves to have friends. You may not need a friend to survive but it sure makes surviving better. True friends are there for you no matter what, they are able to admit they were wrong and will alway be willing to apologise for hurting you.

Like I said, I have lost some along the way and I guess that’s how it is. Some people start the race with you, some join you along the way and sometimes, none of those persons are with you at the finish line. I have come to accept this truth. I have found that life is much easier when we accept the things we cannot control. People leave because they want to and some people just won’t care as much as you do.

ENOUGH of that heavy! (lol) this is about the song that makes me remember the girls that are able to make me laugh until my stomach and head hurts. Who will listen to me vent about things and listen to me talk about psychology. They love me and that’s what matters.

’Tonight we are young. So let’s set the world on fire,

we can burn brighter than the sun.’