So I have a problem and most of my blogs are finding solutions to my problems, that’s until people give me the go ahead to use theirs. Okay, let me stop making hints at my friends.
Okay the problem is this; I have a problem with knowing exactly what to say in an argument, to make it civil. I tend to attack the person and from what I have read, that is one of the biggest no nos. I also don’t express my feelings very well, for fear of sounding selfish and vulnerable, but this is actually a good thing. What I am going to do is use these methods I learnt to show the best way to express how you feel in a situation of conflict.
The situation is this, ‘My father has a very nasty tendency where he drinks a lot, steals from me and neglects everyone including himself. I have always tried to talk to him about it, as well as other family members and friends, but he just ends up getting defensive and walking away.’
We will now use what is called ‘The Assertive Message Format’ to adequately express to my father our thoughts on his behavior.
- First step is Behavior; this is where you basically explain the behavior that has been bothering you. Ensure to be as objective as possible, describe the event or action without interpreting it. Below is an example, using the situation, of how to do it.
“Daddy, lately you have been drinking a lot. As well as I have seen you in my room going through my drawers and when I go in right after you, money is missing. Last week, you were at home alone with the grandparents and they said they didn’t have anything to eat for one whole day.”
- The second step is Interpretation; this is where you describe the meaning you have attached to the persons behavior, this is now more subjective. What I notice with this is, try not to attack who the person is, like calling them selfish or a bitch. Just explain what you got from how the person has been behaving. It may very well be that the person has been behaving selfish, but ensure to place things like ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. When the interpretation is linked to the behavior, people won’t feel so attacked.
“Maybe you forgot to ask me for the money that went missing, or maybe I thought it was there and it wasn’t. Also, you must have thought that someone was at home with grandma and grandpa, or you made plans before and we forgot.”
- The third step is Feeling; this is something that some people may overuse or underuse. It is important to note that some statement may seem as if they are expressing feeling when they really aren’t. Self-disclosure is important in a strong relationship, and it entails expressing feeling. Remember, it’s perfectly legitimate to express your thoughts and feelings, but it’s important to label them as such.
“Daddy, I honestly feel embarrassed and disappointed when you drink so much. It makes you seem reckless and without care. When I realized my money was gone, I felt so hurt and betrayed by you. Also, I felt worried when I found out that my grandparents weren’t fed.”
- The fourth step is Consequence; after you have described the behavior, your interpretation and how you feel, it is time to show the person the possible consequence of what they did or didn’t do. It also serves to help them understand why their behavior bothers you so much. These consequences can be any of these three, or all if applicable;
(i) What happens to you, the speaker; “When you steal my money, it can leave me without lunch or bus fare. I may not be able to go to school or work because I have no money to get there.”
(ii) What happens to the person you’re addressing: “When you drink a lot, you can get very sick and end up in the hospital, especially since you got shot and a bullet is still inside you. Drinking too much can also impair your judgments and as a father and a construction supervisor, you need to be aware.”
(iii) What happens to others; “Grandma and grandpa could have gotten very ill, also being alone in the house, something could have happened and they could have died or be severely damaged. Daddy, when you drink and then you have to drink home, you can end up in a car accident, and though you may not get hurt, think about the person that may be walking by, or driving, they can die or get seriously injured.”
- The final step is Intention; this can also be broken down.
(i) Where you stand on an issue; “I just want you to know how much it bothers me when you do these things.”
(ii) Request of others; not applicable here, but it can be something like, ‘I just like to know when this is going to happen.’
(iii) Description of how you plan to act in the future; ‘If you drink that much again, I will not be helping you to clean after yourself. When you ask me for money, I won’t give it to you if you continue to take it without my permission.”
So that is the format that you can use, if it is a problem that more than one person have, then each person can write it down. This is a perfect format for interventions as well. Remember, that it doesn’t have to be presented in the specific order, but ensure you get all of this out, it’s important for you and the person you are addressing. Also remember to take you time in delivering the message, just because you have a format doesn’t mean all is well. You have to be mindful of tone, use of words and non-verbal cues. People will always be defensive, even when you use every method ever taught, just be sure you do it right.
Until next time, when we talk a little more on expressing yourself, but more so with defensiveness
