Lock the Door...Tight!

Respect People enough to provide Closure...

Closure: "...psychological term that describe an individual's desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term "need" denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information."

No one likes to have things left undone, or watch a captivating movie but not see the end. In the same breath, most people need closure and they need a sense that the chapter has ended and they can move on. Unfortunately life plays in such a way that we are bound to have our fair share of cliffhangers. We will be faced with those inevitable situations where there can be no closure.

But what about those times when closure is possible but we either deny or are denied that luxury. What do we say or do then? I read somewhere that when a relationship ends, we should always do an autopsy of the relationship, this allows us to gain closure and step forward with an insight that facilitates improvements.

Sadly, there are some of us who are so closed up by fear and pride that we deny the people we care about, or once cared about, the right to closure. We fuss over things gone wrong and offer resolution in a dismissive and debilitative manner. We fail to see that not dealing with important matters can stifle us and others to the point of death. This death is slow, painful and to the eyes of the deniers it is invisible.

We have to stop denying ourselves and others of the relief closure brings. We have to stop accepting situations where closure is denied. So let us look at some of the ways in which we can get closure or give it.

1. Communication: This is KEY. We have to allow for free flow of interaction that allows for healthy expression. People need to feel comfortable to deal.

2. Interest: Sometimes all the card may be right but someone just doesn't 'feel' like it. Indifference has a way of making us look cold, so we need to be careful of that. We have to find it in ourselves to consider another person's feeling and not just shrug them off.

3. Understanding: This is very important as well when trying to seek closure. We don't all feel the same way about every situation, people are different and so are their reactions to the things that happen to them. You may not always agree on everything, so understanding is necessary when trying to move on.

When we don't have the sense that a chapter has ended or a door was closed, the same issue may repeat itself in different forms in our lives. There are some weeds in our relationship that stem from an issue we never really resolved or got over. So we have to decide that even if our hands get dirty, we will pull that weed out.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

My Short Sunday Journey

My Short Sunday Journey

Ever since I have been living with my Aunt, I only walk down the hill to the bus stop or pass places in a car. Today I woke up with so much on my mind, my life, my future, my mother, my relationship and most importantly My relationship with God. So I decided to take a walk and I never knew how relaxing that walk in the sun would have been. It opened my eyes to a few realizations;

                   1. There is peace in solitude: When I did my personality test, it said I need serious time alone to keep myself together, but I never knew the full meaning until I took that walk. I was walking with my headphones and it was just me and music praising God. I didn’t feel alone, or like I wanted company, I simply felt right. No matter the stares I got from people passing in their cars, I felt right.

                    2. There is a comfort in having a purpose. I knew where I was going and why I was on that journey, and it put me at ease, especially when I did what I wanted to do. There is so much anxiety in uncertainty and sometimes we need to be certain of what we are doing, why we are doing it and how we will achieve it. It is not an easy thing to achieve but even in the little things, it brings great comfort. My purpose was to walk and try to clear my head and that is what I did.

            3. There is joy in the creation of God. The trees, the flowers, the birds and the sun were all putting on a show for me today. I even saw a make shift waterfall, and thought it was simply a broken pipe, I stood there in awe of the beauty of this world. I have serious anxiety issues that I don’t share with most. I believe that is why I feel my emotions to such a degree. My hands sweat and my fingers swell when I am unable to release that emotion, it eats at me. I believe that I have been walking around with a lot of unreleased emotions and feelings and it broke me.

I wanted to go to church this morning, and I could never say that the walk was way better, but it helped me to find some amount of stillness in my mind. I was able to remember my reason for doing what I am doing at school and at work. I was able to breathe and accept that holding back on how I feel does not help any relationship I am in, when my lack of expression changes how I am towards that person. I was able to appreciate the little life I have and get my thoughts back on how to make the lives of others just a bit more bearable. 

I never expected what I got today, but I am very happy I did.

Until next time….

Learn to say what you mean…

Learn to say what you mean…

People aren’t able to read your mind. Maybe there are some special people who can sense emotions, and if the movies are right, some persons can read minds. But that gift is rare. A mundane person is unable to know exactly what you are thinking. They can guess, based on the nature of the relationship, but they won’t always be right or perfectly accurate.

You can’t expect your partner or friend to know what you mean when you say the exact opposite. ‘No I’m fine you can go to the party.’ When what you really mean is ‘Yes, I don’t want you to go to the party.’

Some people are unable to get their thoughts out and get them out effectively, this is something the psycho-sociological world has considered and has come up with different tips to consider.

• Be clear in what you say: Ambiguity leads to assumptions that can end up hurting the relationship more than you know. 
• Freedom of speech and expression: You have a right to say how you feel, however some things need to be filtered. Remember that context and tone is very important in expressing yourself, especially when it is something serious and may cause tension. Be careful not to say everything that comes to your head, or if so, know how to say it to reduce defensiveness.
• Emotional Awareness: What you feel can affect what you say more than what you think. It can also affect the way we respond to another person and our ability to understand what they have to say. Be aware of how you feel and express that, but also remember to make a conscious effect to not let it cloud your vision.
• Listen: People need to feel heard and understood. In the same way that you feel compelled to express your thoughts and feelings, the person you are talking to will want to do the same. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable to express him/herself. Be sure to listen actively to what he/she has to say. It can affect the relationship greatly when a partner feels as if they are always the listener, but never the one being listened to.

Relationships are tough. They are tricky, but they are amazing. You can’t also predict or control a person’s reaction; but what you can do, is ensure you do the best you can, to prevent the worse ones.

Conflict? Deal with it.

Conflict? Deal with it.

Arguments are exhausting and sometimes go NOWHERE. It’s a constant table tennis match, with the ball going back and forth until someone loses. But really? We’re human beings, shouldn’t we be better able to reason and compromise?

I was so happy when I went to class one day and realized we were discussing conflict and methods of dealing with it. I hate arguing, but I always prided myself in knowing how to express myself and my points. Oh boy did I learn that I was wrong. As the class went on I realized that I was sometimes smothering with my opinions even though most of the times it’s just because I care.

Unresolved situations make me very uneasy, they affect me greatly, sometimes makes me lose sleep and I was elated when we started to talk about the Pillow Talk Method. It’s a creative way of breaking down an issue and getting everyone’s point out. It gives a voice to someone who may otherwise feel unheard and it creates a balance.

Sooo, I am going to share my own experience and how I sort of used this method to help me with the matter at hand.

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend about the fact that I don’t like that every time I am at school and he comes to see me, he is with this one girl in particular, * please bear in mind I don’t believe he likes her but I do hold strongly the thought that she is wildly infatuated with him*. I told him that I don’t see why they spend so much time together; his reply was they are in all the same courses and groups for assignments so they work together. Also that he doesn’t like her in that way so even if she likes him nothing would happen, because it’s strictly about school.

Step 1: I am right and he is wrong…  I go to work 5 days per week, 3 of those days being school days and as a result I don’t see him as often as I use to; so I don’t think that there should be a shadow around him constantly stepping in our way and cutting our conversations short because that can put an even heavier strain on our relationship. He doesn’t see this and that makes him wrong.

Step 2: He is right and I am wrong… He stated that he has never given me the impression that he would be unfaithful. Also only reason she is around him is because most times when he comes to me, he is on his way to a group meeting or to finish an assignment.  I may have been overreacting and letting my emotions get the better of me in the situation.

Step 3: We’re both right and we’re both wrong… His school work is very important and so is our relationship, we do need to spend more time together because with working on weekends; there is no real lengthy time to sit and talk about all that’s on our minds. However, he is working to achieve a goal and if he doesn’t it will have a greater impact on him, so if he needs to study or finish an assignment I should be able to accept that. He should realize that we need time together, but I should also realize the importance of his work and that that’s all it is.

Step 4: The problem is not as important as it seems… Ok I must admit that this is where I am unable to see how it is that the problem is not important and this is something that I am still working on. I think anything that can affect a relationship is important, but I will try to figure how to be able to use this method in its entirety in my relationship with my boyfriend, friends, family and co-workers. The only thing I could come up with is that just because I think she likes him, doesn’t mean something will happen between them. Also, our relationship should be strong enough to handle a struggle in face-to-face conversation.

 I believe this method will not only help the relationship to grow, but it helps the individuals. You will be able to step outside of yourself and understand someone else. So next time you find yourself in an argument so big, it’s hard to settle; try this method.

You can write your views and allow the other person or persons to do the same. Then you can read it out loud and try to find some common ground.

Until next time… Thanks for reading!!

Talk about it…

Talk about it…

So I have a problem and most of my blogs are finding solutions to my problems, that’s until people give me the go ahead to use theirs. Okay, let me stop making hints at my friends.

Okay the problem is this; I have a problem with knowing exactly what to say in an argument, to make it civil. I tend to attack the person and from what I have read, that is one of the biggest no nos. I also don’t express my feelings very well, for fear of sounding selfish and vulnerable, but this is actually a good thing. What I am going to do is use these methods I learnt to show the best way to express how you feel in a situation of conflict.

The situation is this, ‘My father has a very nasty tendency where he drinks a lot, steals from me and neglects everyone including himself. I have always tried to talk to him about it, as well as other family members and friends, but he just ends up getting defensive and walking away.’

We will now use what is called ‘The Assertive Message Format’ to adequately express to my father our thoughts on his behavior.

•   First step is Behavior; this is where you basically explain the behavior that has been bothering you. Ensure to be as objective as possible, describe the event or action without interpreting it. Below is an example, using the situation, of how to do it.

“Daddy, lately you have been drinking a lot. As well as I have seen you in my room going through my drawers and when I go in right after you, money is missing. Last week, you were at home alone with the grandparents and they said they didn’t have anything to eat for one whole day.”

•   The second step is Interpretation; this is where you describe the meaning you have attached to the persons behavior, this is now more subjective. What I notice with this is, try not to attack who the person is, like calling them selfish or a bitch. Just explain what you got from how the person has been behaving. It may very well be that the person has been behaving selfish, but ensure to place things like ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. When the interpretation is linked to the behavior, people won’t feel so attacked.

“Maybe you forgot to ask me for the money that went missing, or maybe I thought it was there and it wasn’t. Also, you must have thought that someone was at home with grandma and grandpa, or you made plans before and we forgot.”

•    The third step is Feeling; this is something that some people may overuse or underuse. It is important to note that some statement may seem as if they are expressing feeling when they really aren’t. Self-disclosure is important in a strong relationship, and it entails expressing feeling. Remember, it’s perfectly legitimate to express your thoughts and feelings, but it’s important to label them as such.

 “Daddy, I honestly feel embarrassed and disappointed when you drink so much. It makes you seem reckless and without care. When I realized my money was gone, I felt so hurt and betrayed by you. Also, I felt worried when I found out that my grandparents weren’t fed.”

•     The fourth step is Consequence; after you have described the behavior, your interpretation and how you feel, it is time to show the person the possible consequence of what they did or didn’t do. It also serves to help them understand why their behavior bothers you so much. These consequences can be any of these three, or all if applicable; 

  (i) What happens to you, the speaker; “When you steal my money, it can leave me without lunch or bus fare. I may not be able to go to school or work because I have no money to get there.”

 (ii) What happens to the person you’re addressing: “When you drink a lot, you can get very sick and end up in the hospital, especially since you got shot and a bullet is still inside you. Drinking too much can also impair your judgments and as a father and a construction supervisor, you need to be aware.”

  (iii) What happens to others; “Grandma and grandpa could have gotten very ill, also being alone in the house, something could have happened and they could have died or be severely damaged. Daddy, when you drink and then you have to drink home, you can end up in a car accident, and though you may not get hurt, think about the person that may be walking by, or driving, they can die or get seriously injured.”

• The final step is Intention; this can also be broken down.

 (i) Where you stand on an issue; “I just want you to know how much it bothers me when you do these things.”

(ii) Request of others; not applicable here, but it can be something like, ‘I just like to know when this is going to happen.’

(iii) Description of how you plan to act in the future; ‘If you drink that much again, I will not be helping you to clean after yourself. When you ask me for money, I won’t give it to you if you continue to take it without my permission.”

So that is the format that you can use, if it is a problem that more than one person have, then each person can write it down. This is a perfect format for interventions as well. Remember, that it doesn’t have to be presented in the specific order, but ensure you get all of this out, it’s important for you and the person you are addressing. Also remember to take you time in delivering the message, just because you have a format doesn’t mean all is well. You have to be mindful of tone, use of words and non-verbal cues. People will always be defensive, even when you use every method ever taught, just be sure you do it right.

Until next time, when we talk a little more on expressing yourself, but more so with defensiveness