21 Days Gratitude Challenge - Day 3

Write about  something you feel grateful for in your life today...

Right now I am most grateful for opportunities to grow and the people and organizations around me that help me to grow.

This are a little on the rocks for me right now as it relates to work, but I am grateful for the fact that I have hope. I am grateful for the fact that I have persons around me who are helping me through the process in the best way they can.

Sometimes things happen and we convince ourselves that we have to do it alone, that there is no one that cares enough to help; that's not true. We do not have to go through anything alone, and for this I am grateful.

As humans we were never meant to be alone, we just have to find persons worth being around.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

What does it mean to be your “Brother’s Keeper”? Does it mean being there when the person needs you? Or is it more than that?

Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" "I don't know," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"

-       Genesis 4: 9

I was thinking of my present relationships and I wondered to myself if they really hold as much value as I claim they do. I started to question the true meaning of friendship and being there for someone and the first thing to come to my mind is being my brother’s keeper.

Now, I think to be your brother’s keeper means a whole lot more than we may want to accept, because that means it will take work and time…But isn't that what friendships and relationships are really about? The work we put in to keep them alive?

“If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it . . .” (1 Corinthians 12:26)

I think, as with many other teachings of the Bible, we have come to water down and rationalize the teachings and expectations of God. But even if you don’t want to look at this from a religious perspective, how strong can a friendship or relationship be if we just do the bare minimum when it suits us? If we leave things at, “She knows I am here for her” instead of showing her that you are there?

It is such a great thing, and maybe a not so great thing, that Google was invented, because it saved me time on finding passages in the Bible that speaks to us being there for each other or being each others’ keepers.  So I will try to tie what I have found, with my own view on what this means to me. I know I have not been practicing this, but in my heart I believe we should be doing way more than we believe we are now.

1.    Show Love; It is so funny, that as soon as I typed this, a car passed and the words of the song said “Love is, call on me sister.” Loving someone and showing it is a part of being that person’s keeper. It is not about just caring when it is convenient, it is about lending a helping hand, sharing kind words or being a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. There are many times we need people far more than we are comfortable to express, but there is that moment when someone is there for you and you feel as if all hope is not lost. Now don’t be fooled, people know when you are not genuine, they know when you are more curious than caring and loving. They also know when you are doing things out of perceived obligation or pity, so it is up to us to find it in our hearts to do this because we want to, and no so much because it is expected of us.

2.    Show Kindness

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me..." - Matthew 25:35

There are so many ways in which we can show kindness to one another. We can buy a friend lunch, lend them a book or help them to clean their house. At Church of the Resurrection, a part of helping the elderly in church is by visiting them to read with them, listen to them and also help out around the house. So whether it is washing, sweeping or straightening up, we are helping them out and showing them kindness.

Being kind is about being there for someone and helping them with something that they may need. Also, being kind is a great way of improving self, you are much happier when you are kind to others. So if that means a compliment then you put a smile on their face and you light a spark in their hearts. We all just need someone to care, and honestly if we decided to be each others’ keepers, we would not have a lot of the problems we do now. But as with everything else, we are humans limit ourselves and we struggle.

3.    Feel the urge to do more…

Now I was talking to a few of my friends, just to get an understanding of their view on this lost topic, and I must say I was not very shocked. I was not shocked because this is how I have been behaving though I know it is not right. We have somehow convinced ourselves that being our brother’s keeper means doing the best we can when we can. But are we really looking out for others, or just ourselves. Being your brother’s keeper should not be when you are comfortable or when you have time; it should be a constant practice in our lives. It should also not be limited to family members and close friends, sometimes the persons that need our help the most are those we don’t look to help.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2

As we grow, we change and we develop. What was our best in primary school, is certainly not our best now. This is the same with our relationships with each other. Yes maybe 4 years ago, the best you could do is a pat on the back or “I’m sorry”, but certainly now should be different. It should be different because we should be pushing ourselves to do more and be more for each other. Yes we need to strike a balance between being someone’s crutch and their keeper. We should also strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and others. But honestly, are we really trying to do as much as we can? Or are we stuck in the mindset that we are doing our best, especially with all we have to deal with? I know that I am not doing my best, and I can say that to anyone, because now I can actually work on that. We should all look into our hearts, take the time to reflect on our friendships and relationships and be honest with ourselves. Could things be better if we gave a little bit more?

The mind is a powerful part of who we are, it has the ability to help us to cope with challenging thoughts. For example, a part of you feels as if you are not there enough for the people around you, but then you have so much on your plate you can’t possibly find the time. You know what your mind does? It convinces you that you are doing enough. Don’t get me wrong, maybe you are really doing enough, but I also know that we make time for the things that are important to us, and even if it is for 5 minutes, we can reach out to someone just to send them a picker upper, whether they may need it or not. I mean, don’t we need it sometimes too? Not a whole therapy session, but just a “Hey, I am proud of you. I know you may get tired, but hang in there because you have immeasurable strength.”

4.    We need to look out for each other…

This may be a touchy topic because some people may say “not everyone wants help from others” and maybe you are right, but does that stop us from trying? Everyone may not believe they need saving, but it didn’t stop Jesus from dying for our sins so that we can be saved right?

“Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.” - Nehemiah 4:14

The Bible tells us to fight for our brothers and our family. It did not tell us, “Ask them if they need help then offer it”, we got that thought from somewhere else. So no, I do not believe that being my brother’s keeper means I ask him if he is okay when he seems a bit down. Like I said, I am guilty of it too, but that does not make it right. 

An example came to mind and I will share it because, well I don’t see a problem sharing it.

Jane, Sally, Jessie and Kelly are all friends. Now one day, Jane hears something from Janet about Kelly, something she knows Kelly would not have said to everyone. So, Jane because worried and feels the need to warm Kelly. But she doesn’t really want her, as much as makes her suspicious of everyone else. Because what she says to Kelly is, “Be careful of who you tell stuff because I heard something from someone, and I am sure you didn’t tell them.”

Now honestly, is that being your brother’s keeper? Fully, anyways? I don’t believe so, because really Jane is trying to save herself in case Kelly decides to confront Janet, and who does that help? Not Kelly.

This is just an example; we have to look out for each other, even if that means it may cause a little conflict. So you saw your best friend’s boyfriend with another girl, don’t go around being cryptic and sending hints. Let her know, regardless of the fact that she may get upset with you and not believe you. Because, sometimes the right thing to do and the hard thing to do; are the same things.

Well honestly, those are my thoughts. They are not Gospel and have not been written in stone, and they also do not cover the full meaning of being your brother’s keeper, but they are simply my thoughts. I am open to comments and constructive criticisms; I mean how else can we learn?

Thank you for reading, until next time.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 12

Praise A Person...


I have had friends in my life that were only here for a while, but there is one person who feels like more than a friend to me. This challenge to me is so great because it allows me to give thanks for someone in my life and hopefully that will help to lift her up as well. I feel to do this for all the important people in my life, but I will send that to them individually.

Patrice Grandison.

This girl is my best friend, sister and partner in crime. She is a few days older than I am, and unlike most friendship stories that started in childhood, our friendship really blossomed in Lower Six at Wolmer's Trust High School for girls. She has been there for me and I pray I will always be there for her. So she is my person to praise today.

Patrice has helped me through some of my roughest days and the days that seems a bit difficult. She was there and still is there for me with regards to my mother's passing. She helped me through a pretty tough breakup and has always encouraged me to do what is right in my heart. When everyone passed judgments on what they believed I should do, she pushed me to do what I believed was right for me. For this I praise her and love her even more.

Patrice is a smart girl, she learns quickly to me. She is dedicated and driven in her pursuit of her career path. She got a scholarship for University and after completing her first degree, she got into Medical School. She is an inspiration to girls who don't really have a lot but they have what matters; that's brains and spirit. There are times when she has expressed doubt and wanted to take a break, but she hasn't and that again makes her so much greater than she believes she is. She is determined and has heart!

No one is perfect, so she has her flaws and little things that may get me ticked off, but she is still a fabulous soul. She is vibrant, joyful, funny and a whole ball of excitement. She is one of the craziest persons I know and that is one of her best qualities. She knows how to get a person to smile and feel comfortable and that is an amazing gift. She hasn't had things easy, but when I see her, she rarely lets it show. She tries to find the brighter side of the day and gives God thanks for that.

She is trying to be a woman of faith and of God. Being young and at the age of "experimenting" this is a brave and life-changing decision. She has a boyfriend and for that I am proud, because she has matured to a state where she is able to allow herself to feel for someone else and to allow them to feel for her too. I am a sucker for love so this is just magnificent. 

She has shown such tremendous growth in her life and work and I proud for more from her. I speak into her life a balanced dedication, a wonderful family and a successful career. I pray that she will be able to change lives and live a God filled and happy one herself.


So *muah* Patrice! Keep up the good work and keep growing.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 3

Story in the 70s, 80s or 90s.

I don't even know if what I am wearing is nice enough, and this is just making me even more anxious, too anxious to even begin to find something else to wear. I can't help but to think this is a dream and that he is going to cancel. James told me last week after class that he started to realize his feelings for me went deeper than friendship. I was more than happy to hear this.

I have loved James ever since we started university, he was my best friend and I am sure, he was meant to be my first and last. But I started to get doubtful when he suggested we watch the premiere of the Titanic with Leonardo DeCaprio. James hated romance films, but I said yes because I have been waiting for this movie for weeks.

I can hear him talking downstairs with my dad, they have always been too close for comfort. That is why I wasn't surprised when my dad knew about this date before I did. I decide to make my way downstairs and as look at him, I start to glow. This sun is in my heart, I am sure.

 "You ready to go?" He asks and I can only manage to nod. I kiss my father goodbye and leave as the butterflies start to go. He borrowed his dad's pick up he says because he didn't want for us to have to take the bus or call a cab. Then he opens the door for me and I know this is real for him too. Something has changed. We talk a little about school but my mind isn't here. I wait for a break in our conversation and I ask, "Why Titanic?" And he just says, "Because you want to." 

I can't help but to smile and we approach the theatre. I notice him hurrying to park so that he could come around and open my door. As a joke I rush out just to beat him. He notices my efforts and laughs, I hear a trace of embarrassment and reassure him that he doesn't have to. He looks me in the eyes and says, "I know, but I need you to understand how much this means to me. So if it's the little things like watching a movie you are dying to see our opening the door for you, I am going to do it. Because I think I'm falling in love with you Kalie."

There it is...my fireworks moment. I'm frozen, to happy to breathe for fear of waking up. I just want to stay here and talk all night. I just want to feel his heart beat and know that some how, falling fir me changed its rhythm. "Kalie? Are you okay?" I don't reply immediately.  I just look at him and put my hand on his cheek, " Yes, I'm okay. I love you, James. I always have."

This movie is better than I imagined, the acting is great but he is here with me. As if he read my mind earlier,  he takes my hand and puts it on his chest.  "You feel that? You changed the beat of my heart." Without a second in between,  he kisses me lightly, taking my breath away and I know, he will always be able to do that.

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 2

Past/Current Relationship...

I have past relationships that I could write about, and I am not afraid to, but guess what? I am way too grateful and in love with the present to hold on to that.

Gibran - Charles Hutchinson -happy sigh-. You may not be able to see it, but that spells Lover, Best friend, Guide and sexiest man in my life. 

He is an amazing guy, the one who shows such patience and care to me that I have no doubt that he loves me. We have been together for 3 years and 4 months, and I am sure that we will see many more months and years together. He loves me and I love him. He has flaws that to some may make him undesirable; but to me it makes him perfectly imperfect. 

He fits me so well, I have no need to look elsewhere for something "better". He listens and doesn't talk much, he makes my heart race with his touch and when he looks at me deeply, I can't help but to blush. He gives me confidence in a healthy way, even though I already know I am a tall glass of sexy. He gives me a privilege I will treasure and that is to love him and be loved by him.

If we end up going our separate ways, there is no way I will be able to forget or regret the time we spent together. I am learning from him, growing with him and that is what makes us  special in my eyes. Our love is unique and rare, he accepts my crazy but encourages me to improve myself as I see fit. He makes me laugh, and even when I am angry, I could never stop caring for him. 

So there he is, the love of my current life according to Rhonda. He is smart, handsome, funny, unique, sexy, caring, protective and no many things. I am happy with him and though I did not fully tell you who he is and who he means to me...you know enough.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY....:( :D

For the last week and a half, I have actively been trying to forget that today is what it is. But when I woke up this morning and saw everyone posting similar statuses or tweets, it finally hit me that I cannot ignore this no more that I can just stop breathing. This day is both sour and sweet for me, and somehow I lost touch of the sweet and decided to forget it because of the sour. I lost my mother as most may know, so Mother's day is not a very good day for me. It is actually strange how much my heart still aches after all this time, but it does.

However, today I decided to speak to the women who have been a mother to me when I needed it most, and who most likely will continue to do so.

My Aunts: Donna and Helen Daley, these women have been there for me, doing things a mother and father are required to do. They have provided for me, given me advice and have given me so much to be grateful for. I love you both and to you I say, 'HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY'!

My Grandmother: one of the greatest gifts God has given me. When I was young and even now, we had ups and downs and I never realised at the time how blessed I was, but I know now, and I am so glad that she is still here in my life.

Kameil: She may be my cousin, but she has been there. She has also been my adviser, she has been my protector and she has taught me many things. Added to that she is a mother (lol).

All these women in my life and I love them so. Of course there are others who have aided my growth, and I thank them as well. I will never forget my mother, even when her voice seems to fade from my memory, but I am more than grateful to the Heavenly Father for the persons he has strategically placed in my life to cushion the blow of losing someone so special.

So today I will try to smile through the aches and pains, for I am blessed and highly favoured.

Take Control of Your Own Happiness

Today I decided to flip throw the channels on the TV because I was too lazy to go and make breakfast; any who I came upon a Joel Osteen program and his topic for the program was 'Take control of your own Happiness'

Let me tell you, I have been thinking on this all day because it is so strange how happiness is simple to repeat each day but we don't or can't and just end up miserable or surface happy. So Joel spoke about four (4) types of people that may exist in our lives and how they can help to determine the quality of our lives.

1. There is the Lifter; these persons, just by being themselves, make you feel light, they allow you to feel happy and you leave their presence feeling refreshed.

2. There is also the Thruster; these persons motivate you through their words and also just by being themselves. They make you feel ready to conquer your dreams and your day.

3. There are the Weights; these persons constantly expect you to share the burden of their never ending sadness and negativity. They never uplift you; in fact they constantly weigh you down.

4. Lastly, there are the Drags; they also with negativity drag you down when you are soaring and you feel happy. With their words they drag you lower and lower into the pit of their sadness and they wish to keep you there. As they say "misery loves company".

As I listened to Joel, not in the exact words, explain these persons I was immediately able to sort the people I know into these categories and I instantly felt a need to cry. I thought to myself, who am I for the people around me; just as much as I thought about them.  He went on to say that we should try to be around Lifters and Thrusters because they will give you the allowance to meet your destiny and the greatness you are meant to. Weights and Drags, unfortunately, keep you stuck and you are so consumed in trying to make them happy and to please them that you ignore your purpose. I thought of people who not only drag or weigh me down with sadness and negativity; but I also considered those I feel so low about because of their blatant indifference.

I am grateful however for the people who have aided me thus far in my life; for those people who were there for me even when it got too rough. It is funny how the small things people do and don't do can immediately result in them falling into a category. I will never forget the moment I knew that there are some persons I just can't count on to be there during the rough stuff and those that I can. That I will save for another time when I feel stronger and can therefore handle being vulnerable.

Well, I really thought I'd share this with you guys because we all need to think about this, we have to evaluate the people we have in our space and what we are allowing them to feed our spirits. We have to also be mindful of how we treat others and what we feed them as well. But until you have figured it all out, before you go out in the morning fill yourself with motivation and positivity. Affirm each day, hour and minute the goodness you need to and constantly give thanks for who and where you are.

Peace.

Learn to say what you mean…

Learn to say what you mean…

People aren’t able to read your mind. Maybe there are some special people who can sense emotions, and if the movies are right, some persons can read minds. But that gift is rare. A mundane person is unable to know exactly what you are thinking. They can guess, based on the nature of the relationship, but they won’t always be right or perfectly accurate.

You can’t expect your partner or friend to know what you mean when you say the exact opposite. ‘No I’m fine you can go to the party.’ When what you really mean is ‘Yes, I don’t want you to go to the party.’

Some people are unable to get their thoughts out and get them out effectively, this is something the psycho-sociological world has considered and has come up with different tips to consider.

• Be clear in what you say: Ambiguity leads to assumptions that can end up hurting the relationship more than you know. 
• Freedom of speech and expression: You have a right to say how you feel, however some things need to be filtered. Remember that context and tone is very important in expressing yourself, especially when it is something serious and may cause tension. Be careful not to say everything that comes to your head, or if so, know how to say it to reduce defensiveness.
• Emotional Awareness: What you feel can affect what you say more than what you think. It can also affect the way we respond to another person and our ability to understand what they have to say. Be aware of how you feel and express that, but also remember to make a conscious effect to not let it cloud your vision.
• Listen: People need to feel heard and understood. In the same way that you feel compelled to express your thoughts and feelings, the person you are talking to will want to do the same. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable to express him/herself. Be sure to listen actively to what he/she has to say. It can affect the relationship greatly when a partner feels as if they are always the listener, but never the one being listened to.

Relationships are tough. They are tricky, but they are amazing. You can’t also predict or control a person’s reaction; but what you can do, is ensure you do the best you can, to prevent the worse ones.

Conflict? Deal with it.

Conflict? Deal with it.

Arguments are exhausting and sometimes go NOWHERE. It’s a constant table tennis match, with the ball going back and forth until someone loses. But really? We’re human beings, shouldn’t we be better able to reason and compromise?

I was so happy when I went to class one day and realized we were discussing conflict and methods of dealing with it. I hate arguing, but I always prided myself in knowing how to express myself and my points. Oh boy did I learn that I was wrong. As the class went on I realized that I was sometimes smothering with my opinions even though most of the times it’s just because I care.

Unresolved situations make me very uneasy, they affect me greatly, sometimes makes me lose sleep and I was elated when we started to talk about the Pillow Talk Method. It’s a creative way of breaking down an issue and getting everyone’s point out. It gives a voice to someone who may otherwise feel unheard and it creates a balance.

Sooo, I am going to share my own experience and how I sort of used this method to help me with the matter at hand.

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend about the fact that I don’t like that every time I am at school and he comes to see me, he is with this one girl in particular, * please bear in mind I don’t believe he likes her but I do hold strongly the thought that she is wildly infatuated with him*. I told him that I don’t see why they spend so much time together; his reply was they are in all the same courses and groups for assignments so they work together. Also that he doesn’t like her in that way so even if she likes him nothing would happen, because it’s strictly about school.

Step 1: I am right and he is wrong…  I go to work 5 days per week, 3 of those days being school days and as a result I don’t see him as often as I use to; so I don’t think that there should be a shadow around him constantly stepping in our way and cutting our conversations short because that can put an even heavier strain on our relationship. He doesn’t see this and that makes him wrong.

Step 2: He is right and I am wrong… He stated that he has never given me the impression that he would be unfaithful. Also only reason she is around him is because most times when he comes to me, he is on his way to a group meeting or to finish an assignment.  I may have been overreacting and letting my emotions get the better of me in the situation.

Step 3: We’re both right and we’re both wrong… His school work is very important and so is our relationship, we do need to spend more time together because with working on weekends; there is no real lengthy time to sit and talk about all that’s on our minds. However, he is working to achieve a goal and if he doesn’t it will have a greater impact on him, so if he needs to study or finish an assignment I should be able to accept that. He should realize that we need time together, but I should also realize the importance of his work and that that’s all it is.

Step 4: The problem is not as important as it seems… Ok I must admit that this is where I am unable to see how it is that the problem is not important and this is something that I am still working on. I think anything that can affect a relationship is important, but I will try to figure how to be able to use this method in its entirety in my relationship with my boyfriend, friends, family and co-workers. The only thing I could come up with is that just because I think she likes him, doesn’t mean something will happen between them. Also, our relationship should be strong enough to handle a struggle in face-to-face conversation.

 I believe this method will not only help the relationship to grow, but it helps the individuals. You will be able to step outside of yourself and understand someone else. So next time you find yourself in an argument so big, it’s hard to settle; try this method.

You can write your views and allow the other person or persons to do the same. Then you can read it out loud and try to find some common ground.

Until next time… Thanks for reading!!

Hanging on…

Hanging on…

So after watching So You Think You Can Dance yesterday, I have been listening to ‘Hanging on’ by Active Child alot. It had me thinking though… when do we really know to let go and when do we keep hanging on?

A relationship is on the rocks and you have to make a decision, do you continue to fight a battle constantly lost? Do you just decide that enough is enough?

There are some things that I would consider. Things like is he fighting just as hard as I am? Does he love me? Do I love him? Am I doing this because I believe it can work? Or am I just afraid of what will happen when it doesn’t?

Every relationship has its own struggles, some harder than others, but it is up to you and your partner to decide that this is worth it. If its bigger than you think, seek outside help. Therapy is not for the mentally insane or the weak, its for people who are brave enough to realize they need help.

If the relationship means that much to you, you will fight. Sometimes its hard to know when enough is enough, but it will come. Just ensure that in all the struggles, you are able to look at that person and love them, just as they are able to do to u. A relationship isn’t a one woman or one man show, so don’t hold on because you don’t like to fail, or because he/she loves you. You do no one any favours by piting them. Remember that.

Anywho, that was just my little bit, I hope I haven’t offended anyone, just in the mood to write about something. Also, I wasn’t really prepared so it may not be perfect.

^^ Knowing when to just move on…..

^^ Knowing when to just move on…..

Knowing when to move on, is something we know but are not able to admit. When you have committed yourself to a relationship or friendship; it’s hard to believe that it is simply over. It is have to comprehend that, it is not worth saving. But how do we really know when it’s time to move on, and when is it simply time to start over, make things right? I won’t pretend to know when to do this; I won’t behave as if I have all the answers because I don’t. Everyone’s relationship is different; everyone’s feeling for someone is different. However, no one deserves to have their hearts broken everyday by the same person. When I say broken, don’t assume I just mean a boyfriend or a girlfriend, because friends have the capacity to break our hearts too, because we care for them.

He/she hurts you more than he/she shows he loves you: Sometimes people don’t really mean us any good. They are there to get what they want and move on. Think of a friend who only wants something from you, or a boyfriend who never ceases to humiliate and disrespect you; are they good for you?  I am absolutely obsessed with this song ‘Hanging on’, and in it there’s a line that days ‘Every day I feel this pain, but you just turn and walk away. I just can’t keep hanging on to you and me’ Sometimes we have to realize that some people just aren’t good for us. I have been through it and it’s not going to help you in the long run.

Are you willing to play the role? : We all have a role that we play in people’s lives, this is a simple truth. Some persons are the fun friend, the friend to talk to about issues, or the friend to shop with and the list goes on. We can accept these roles and play them, or we can refuse to because it’s not enough for us. I was watching Laguna Beach and they were describing guys as purses, that you have that hot purse you want everyone to see you with, and another that you love so you carry everywhere. The sad thing is, people see other people like this; you may just be the person to joke with, have sex with or talk to about important things, but never more. Some people are able to live with this, others don’t want to. You have to decide which you want and then you will know when to move on.

Are you afraid to move on? : You have to ask yourself if it’s worth holding on it, or is it just that you are too afraid to try again. I can say from experience, that I was crippled by the thought of starting over, of finding someone else to love me. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s no reason to stay in a bad relationship. I had this boy that I loved for almost a year of my life, he knew just about everything there was to know about me and we had really good times, but I realized that I was holding on, not because I thought it was best but because I feared letting go would be too hard.

You don’t believe you can find someone else: Insecurities have a way of compromising the decisions we make. It can make us do things just because we think it’s what we deserve, or we can never get something better. This is no reason to stay in a relationship that is causing you great pain; you have to realize that you do deserve more.

You don’t think you could ever move on: There is this thing called the ‘Fallacy of Helplessness’ where people make themselves a victim and believe that satisfaction is controlled by forces they are unable to manipulate. They believe that the universe will never give them anything better, and they should just accept what they have. But like I said before, everyone deserves something great, and it doesn’t have to be flashy but it has to be true.

When you keep expecting him/her to change: If someone keeps doing the same thing over and over, and you keep telling them it hurts, at some point you have to realize that they are not going to change. People do what they do because they want to, or they believe they should. You can’t force someone to change; you can only show them why they should. Also, even if they change, who’s to say something else won’t come up, and this person will have to constantly modify who they are to suit you. This goes for you too; that is if he/she expects you to change.

When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself: Sometimes we have to call a spade a spade and move on. If he is constantly flirting with other girls and texting them, or disappearing with them. There comes a time when you have to stop making excuses. So, no it’s not your fault he hit you, he wasn’t just having a bad day. There’s this thing called cognitive dissonance, and it happens when our belief/value doesn’t match up without actions. It causes us to feel very uncomfortable, and one of the ways to ease that is to justify or rationalize. So you believe he loves you, but he keeps showing you different, so you rationalize and justify. Soon that won’t work anymore; soon the truth will hit you like a speeding bullet.

I was once in a relationship that caused me great pain, I started to realize that I cried way more than I needed to and I had great doubt and fear. He didn’t cheat on me (well not that I know), but I was hurt, I felt less than who I knew I was. I loved him, deeply; but what we had was destructive. I was tolerating things I shouldn’t have, I neglected my own feelings for his and I started to make me resent him. 

I spoke to a psychologist once and she told me, ‘Write down the good and bad things about your relationship. But it’s not to see if there are more ‘good’ than ‘bad’, but for you to look at the bad and see if it is worth living with. Is the good, good enough to make up for the bad?’

I read an article that said, “It’s better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it accordingly, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.”

Love…. So important it is always mentioned….

Love…. So important it is always mentioned….

“unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” is one of the definitions of love by Merriam-Webster. The bible speaks greatly about love, so do psychologists, philosophers and wise men and women all over. Why then do we doubt or downplay it’s importance in our lives and interactions?

“Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed; by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbours as ourselves; we have not loved ourselves as we ought. We are truly sorry and humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us, that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.”

This is the Act of Penitence as written in the ‘The Book of Common Prayer’ used by Anglicans.

Let’s talk about the sectioned made in bold. We have not loved you with our whole heart. Of course that talks about God. God is love. He is the greatest manifestation of what love is and should be. He gave his only son to die on the cross for us. He brings us through each day and provides us with food, clothing and shelter. Not many people appreciate the blessings bestowed upon them, they forget that they can’t do it all alone. We also forget that loving God isn’t just about speaking His word, it’s about practicing His word and spreading it. It’s about living a life that is acceptable to him. He loves us for who we are, sinner or not; he just doesn’t like the sin. We should try to ensure that we embody His grace as much as we possibly can. That when we fall, we are not afraid to ask him for help to get back up. That we love his creations and treat them with respect…

We have not loved our neighbours as ourselves. As I read this line, I think of the sermon that was done by a friend of mine this past Sunday. She said a line that made me shiver and think about a lot. She said ‘Too many times have our words been the bearers of misery to others’ I am paraphrasing but the line really made me think. If we loved our neighbours as we did ourselves; would we say and do half the things we do? Would we fail to find out if they are doing okay? Would we turn a blind eye to the tears that we see flooding their minds? Would we really pretend as if we don’t care and we have done enough, when we would have wanted them to care for us?

Kirk Franklin has song that is entitled ’ The Last Jesus’, there is a line that speaks directly to what I have said. “It’s easier to say your help is on the way, but I was your help all along.”  We have lost what it means to be our brothers’ keeper. We have been so consumed in self that we forget to be the light in someone else’s darkness. There is no way or steps to use to act this out. It has to come from within, from a genuine place. Just saying an empty good morning is not enough, though it is a start. We have to try to be more, do more and try to feel more. We have become a generation of social networks but little socialization. We throw the word love carelessly but save the acts of love like scarce water. 

This brings me to the third section, which says ‘we have not loved ourselves as we ought’. I think we have a major issue of self esteem in people these days. Don’t think just because you flaunt your body and profess each day that you are the hottest thing alive that you have self-esteem. Self-esteem and self-assurance is knowing who you are and accepting that. It is respecting yourself so that others see the need to respect you. It is not allowing yourself to lose sight of the values and beliefs that you hold just because another man tells you to. 

Loving yourself is much more than going to the hairdresser every week and buying the latest outfits. Loving yourself is certainly not making others feel small just because you know you aren’t as big as you may want to be perceived. It is knowing your flaws and accepting them and using your strengths to help your flaws; to make you a better person. We don’t love ourselves as we ought, which is why it is so easy to treat others as less than human, as less than a rodent. 

I won’t pretend to be a preacher, but I do know somethings. It is something that I myself am struggling with, but everyday I climb another rung on the ladder, I try to become a better me. Somedays I don’t move, some days I fall but I will never give up and neither should you.

This blog is not about giving you steps to improve communication, it is touching on the truth.LOVE IS IMPORTANT AND ESSENTIAL! It is mentioned way too much for us to try to be delusional of that fact. If you lack love, you lack life, you are nothing but a floating ghost waiting for your doom. Never lose faith in love and the hope that you will be able to share and experience it in its various forms. 

     Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-     seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

                        1 CORINTHIANS 13: 4-13