My Struggles…March 10

My Struggles…March 10

“The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have struggled with so many things over the years, and honestly I think I have gotten better at handling some of them as I grow. I have always had an issue with insecurity, thinking I am not good enough or pretty enough. But somehow I was able to change that a little. I am not saying that it does not come back, but I have found the strength to believe in my self-worth and beauty just a little bit more. I also struggle with the death of my mother and the changes this caused. Just to know that she is not here to love us the way we should be loved especially my sisters and my brother. I struggle with that. I struggle with the thought that “family” could be as selfish as to tell teenagers they have to find somewhere to live; after all, family should be there to protect you. I just don’t know… I wish I could change the world with one snap of a finger but I can’t.

But since I honestly don’t have the emotional strength to delve into that… I will write a little on the other things I struggle with.

“Do it again and again. Consistency makes the rain drops to create holes in the rock. Whatever is difficult can be done easily with regular attendance, attention and action.”
― Israelmore Ayivor, The Great Hand Book of Quotes

I don’t know why, but I am unable to continue with most of things that I start. So I find that I have to play catch up or I get so discouraged I just quit it. Example, taking my supplements…I have been trying to take them each day but I always seem to forget. I thought of setting a reminder on my phone but that doesn’t work because I don’t eat the same time each day. Sigh, I need to get a hold of this because I am trying to build a life for myself. There are little things I need to get into the habit of doing. So far I have only been consistent with my morning messages. I guess I just need to find the discipline to extent that into other areas of my life.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been struggling with the belief that my dreams and aspirations will come true. I have been stuck in this place of working because I need to survive and I feel as if my dreams are moving out of my reach. I have to constantly remind myself that I am meant for greater things than just a job answering calls and changing packages. Every day I feel as if my spirit is breaking, I struggle to stand strong and believe. It isn’t easy trying to make your dream work when the environment you are in each day makes you feel as if you should not reach higher than where you are. But I know better…I HAVE to believe in better for myself and those around me.

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

It is my goal to pray more this year, because I know prayer brings healing. I don’t know why but I find myself just falling asleep during my prayer or before I even think to start it. There are times I may wake up at night and I take some time to give God thanks. I also try to do this before I get up in the mornings, but it is not a regular practice. To be honest, I don’t think I should be struggling with this but it seems I am. I need to find a way to find this struggle and not let myself fall into this space where it doesn't matter. It does.

As I said, I struggle with much more, like eating right and the things that have happened to me in the past. I struggle with thoughts and memories that make me feel the urge to rip my skin from my body. They make me feel dirty and unworthy…but I don’t have the strength to speak of them so publicly. Maybe another time I will, because sharing your story may just help someone else.

Well thank you for reading…

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within