My Short Sunday Journey

My Short Sunday Journey

Ever since I have been living with my Aunt, I only walk down the hill to the bus stop or pass places in a car. Today I woke up with so much on my mind, my life, my future, my mother, my relationship and most importantly My relationship with God. So I decided to take a walk and I never knew how relaxing that walk in the sun would have been. It opened my eyes to a few realizations;

                   1. There is peace in solitude: When I did my personality test, it said I need serious time alone to keep myself together, but I never knew the full meaning until I took that walk. I was walking with my headphones and it was just me and music praising God. I didn’t feel alone, or like I wanted company, I simply felt right. No matter the stares I got from people passing in their cars, I felt right.

                    2. There is a comfort in having a purpose. I knew where I was going and why I was on that journey, and it put me at ease, especially when I did what I wanted to do. There is so much anxiety in uncertainty and sometimes we need to be certain of what we are doing, why we are doing it and how we will achieve it. It is not an easy thing to achieve but even in the little things, it brings great comfort. My purpose was to walk and try to clear my head and that is what I did.

            3. There is joy in the creation of God. The trees, the flowers, the birds and the sun were all putting on a show for me today. I even saw a make shift waterfall, and thought it was simply a broken pipe, I stood there in awe of the beauty of this world. I have serious anxiety issues that I don’t share with most. I believe that is why I feel my emotions to such a degree. My hands sweat and my fingers swell when I am unable to release that emotion, it eats at me. I believe that I have been walking around with a lot of unreleased emotions and feelings and it broke me.

I wanted to go to church this morning, and I could never say that the walk was way better, but it helped me to find some amount of stillness in my mind. I was able to remember my reason for doing what I am doing at school and at work. I was able to breathe and accept that holding back on how I feel does not help any relationship I am in, when my lack of expression changes how I am towards that person. I was able to appreciate the little life I have and get my thoughts back on how to make the lives of others just a bit more bearable. 

I never expected what I got today, but I am very happy I did.

Until next time….

Soundtrack of My Life

Track 2

For the past month, almost every morning I get up and right before bed; I listen to I Wont Give Up sung by Lea Michelle in Glee.

I choose this song as my second song on my soundtrack because it describes exactly how I feel right now. I know the song may seem like one for a couple but I sing every word to myself in the shower and the mirror. 

My favourite line is, ’ We've got a lot to learn and God knows we’re worth it. No I won’t give up.’ Lately I have been in a tough place, crying or just withdrawing and I honestly feel as if things have not been this rough for me emotionally. I am feeling mourning and worry in a great degree, I worry I am becoming depressed, but I refuse. I rebuke this sadness in the name of Jesus Christ. I pray for peace of mind and heart. 

Sadness is not a great feeling though necessary. I hate feeling alone and misunderstood, I hate feeling like there is a cloud following me every where I go. I want to live my life to the fullest and leave my mark on this world and I won’t give up. I most definitely won’t.

It’s funny because today Patrice asked me if anyone ever told me I have an old soul; and in this song, Lea sings of herself as a star that has been through so much and just won’t give up. That is me. A star who has experienced pain, sorrow, happiness and excitement. I have been loved, hated, used and abused. I have been the counselor  and the patient. I am not 50 years old, I am 21 years of age and I know I have a lot more experiencing to go through. I have a lot more lessons to learn and bridges to burn. I am changing and growing everyday I wake and breathe. I won’t give up. When the going gets rough and tough, I will not give up.

Why do dreams feel so real?

As I run down the street I notice her, she is dressed in full white and her hair is flowing beyond her waist. She looks at me but as I wave she turns away. I scream! I shout! I cry. But nothing, she was gone, just like that.

That’s a dream i woke up from with tears flowing from my eyes…I didn't know the meaning or why I would have that dream more than once.

They say if and when you are able to understand your dream, you have the power to unify your soul, mind and spirit.

I dream about her, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I wake up angry, lost, broken, empty and pale. She left. She won’t ever come back and that hurts… I look at others and wish I could have that moment just one more time, that she would see me across the street and wave back, that she would walk over and hug me and tell me she loves me. I wait, I dream, I hope.

I remember her, but I’m losing her voice, her smell and her essence. I’m forgetting how her hug made me feel, I’m forgetting the power in her words. I miss her and I doubt I will ever be able to go through life and not wish she was here. I look for a family, I wish for the chance to love my children the way she loved me. I know if she was here life would be much easier….

How will she keep it a secret? Part 4

She sits in the shower wondering if she made the right decision letting Alicia know what happened, the way she stared, the way she seemed to mourn the lost of someone she once knew.

He enters slowly and looks around the restaurant he ponders should he just go to a table or the bar when he sees her, a smile that seemed to make his heart soar. He walked over to her and she looked at him and suddenly they knew, this will be forever. “Hello.” She says nervously as her friends sit puzzled because they never knew of her having a boyfriend. “Hi, I just came in and I saw you and I know it may sound corny but there was no way I could leave without at least hearing your voice.” She smiled and again he wasn't able to feel his heart beat but he knew he didn't need to, because she had it and it was safe.

“I have always searched for a reason to believe that there was hope for tomorrow, never did I expect I would find the answer in a woman’s smile. The way you seem to make me better by just being here is incredible. When I make mistakes they don’t seem fatalistic because you make me feel I can fix it. I touch your chest and I feel you heart beat and I know if that song ends, I will lose the ability to be. I stand here with you today promising with every fiber of my being that I will love you, care for you, cherish you and protect you. I pledge my heart to you my love and every day I have left.”

She runs into the bedroom and kisses him softly, he moves, she sighs with relief. “Wake up honey, its really important.” He opens his eyes and there she was radiating before him, he knows instantly it’s going to be a good day. He holds her, kisses her and listens to her give him the most exciting news. She waits for a response and she nervously bites her fingernails. He says yes. This would mark the beginning of the best and worse 6 years of their lives.

She hears the car pulling up and she wipes her eyes and enters the shower. “Babe! I got Chinese so I hope you’re hungry.” He waits. He waits. As he races up the stairs he knows she has broken. He breaks down the door and pulls the shower curtain and sees her curled up on the stoned shower floor and he holds her, kisses her and her tears seem to sizzle when they touch his skin. He knows its happened again and this time she won’t be coming back.

How will she keep this a secret? Part 3

“You come here every week and I show you this picture. Each week you breakdown and I wish I knew why the person in this picture makes you cry so much. You literally fall apart in front of me and I want to know if you are ready to talk to me about what happened, are you?” She nods.

“I try to breathe but its too hard. How many times have I lived through this moment? How can I ever show anyone how much he has robbed me of something I never knew he possibly could? I look into her eyes and I know once she knows she won’t see me in the same light, so I run.”

She left. Just like all the times before, she runs because dealing with what happened is much harder than losing progress. She doesn’t know how to live, how to move forward, she doesn’t even know how to look at herself without feeling her insides crawling to her throat and stifling their way through her. She left, but she’ll be back.

“I lay in bed and wonder how I function. I hear my phone ringing and as I pray for the strength not to answer I still do. Its my best friend, she’s worried because I didn’t come back to the office today. What else could I do but apologize and invite her over. I feel the need to let her know I’m fading and that my heartbeat is too faint to recognize. I’m ready to tell her that I have lost many pieces of me and I will never get them back as they are buried in a place no one can find. I fall to the ground and I weep, not for what has happened to me but because I can already see how her eyes will gaze over my body, searching for the scars I have successfully masked. She’ll look into my eyes for the dust and the stone because she’ll know my walls are no more, she’ll know like no one else, the agony I have endured as I tried to be there for her. She’ll know how being in the profession I am is like pulling out a tooth from my mouth each day. But how will I start and will I ever be able to finish this alive? Could it be that the wall that shields my pain is the same fortress that holds my soul together?”

As Alicia arrives, she looks through the window. She reaches under the bed for the chest that lays there and she struggles to place it on the bed.

She opens the chest and Alicia looks with nervous wonder as she sees someone new before her, someone so torn it hurts to stare at her. She sees a dress, she sees the blood and she knows instantly, she won’t be able to see her best friend for a while… Maybe she was never really there all this time.

How will she ever keep this a secret? Part 2

“I have woken up yet another morning, my tears almost drowned me; the pain that’s in my heart is enough to bring the storms and crack the earth. When you try to hold close to an idea that keeps slipping away, you start to wonder what’s the point in climbing through a landslide? I can’t stop the feeling, I can’t seem to get out of this skin that holds me to this devastating place. I can’t seem to fix this loop that has been going for far too long. I can’t seem to forgive my heart for this feeling and my mind for its inefficiency to mend.”

She runs to the bathroom to expel, she prays one day she is able to rid herself of the misery inside her that never seems to end. She hopes, but its never enough because she can never truly believe again.

She tries to stay alive so she breathes, she struggles and she muddles through. Will she be able to put her skin on right side today? Will they see what she has to cover up? Will someone look in her eyes and see the hurt beneath the curtains that only the rain can reveal?

She takes a step forward and turns the knob… Today marks the fourth year since she has started seeing Dr. Watkis for the pain she has been feeling, of course no one knows where she goes every week… She has never gone further than ‘Hello’. She keeps paying for these sessions not because she gets to talk about the horrible truth she carries on her back each day, but because she is able to cry, sigh and simply scream and know she’s not alone. Never will she allow herself to admit why she is here and the fear that she doesn’t believe she’ll ever be able to stop.

She sits on the couch and Dr. Watkis pulls out a picture. She stares; “How did she get that?” She looks. “Oh my God!” She weeps and her pain seems to turn the walls gray and the sky opens up and the cyclone begins. The wind howls for her, the trees shed their beauty because of her, even the birds seem to be mute around her. “Someone knows.”

She CRACKS!

How will she ever keep this a secret?… Part 1

      She stops in front of the mirror, she stares. She spins around. She frowns and starts to cry. Its a routine that could never be broken; she sees her face and is blinded by that night. She laughs and hears her piercing cries. How can she get pass this? They see her moving along and think she has it all together, but if they ever found out what she’s hiding beneath the smiles and the glitter; if one of them ever decided to stop and ask her that simple question, they would open Pandora’s box.

      Hot breath scorching her neck, hands that seem to burn straight through her skin. She feels the tears, she feels the aching. She hears her whimpers but she is not there, she doesn’t know the girl that she hears. How can she ever get passed this?

      “Hey!” She tries not to be afraid as she slowly turns to greet the voice that crept up behind her, she catches a glimpse of her best friend and breathes a sigh of relief. “Hi” she says, trying to be normal but she knows, she sees the look. Soon everyone will know, soon they will figure out what she has been trying too hard to hide. They will see it as if it were a mark on her face, a stain no detergent can ever remove or even fade. How much longer can she pretend? Will they ever figure it out? Will you?