HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY....:( :D

For the last week and a half, I have actively been trying to forget that today is what it is. But when I woke up this morning and saw everyone posting similar statuses or tweets, it finally hit me that I cannot ignore this no more that I can just stop breathing. This day is both sour and sweet for me, and somehow I lost touch of the sweet and decided to forget it because of the sour. I lost my mother as most may know, so Mother's day is not a very good day for me. It is actually strange how much my heart still aches after all this time, but it does.

However, today I decided to speak to the women who have been a mother to me when I needed it most, and who most likely will continue to do so.

My Aunts: Donna and Helen Daley, these women have been there for me, doing things a mother and father are required to do. They have provided for me, given me advice and have given me so much to be grateful for. I love you both and to you I say, 'HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY'!

My Grandmother: one of the greatest gifts God has given me. When I was young and even now, we had ups and downs and I never realised at the time how blessed I was, but I know now, and I am so glad that she is still here in my life.

Kameil: She may be my cousin, but she has been there. She has also been my adviser, she has been my protector and she has taught me many things. Added to that she is a mother (lol).

All these women in my life and I love them so. Of course there are others who have aided my growth, and I thank them as well. I will never forget my mother, even when her voice seems to fade from my memory, but I am more than grateful to the Heavenly Father for the persons he has strategically placed in my life to cushion the blow of losing someone so special.

So today I will try to smile through the aches and pains, for I am blessed and highly favoured.

How Will She Ever Keep This a Secret? Part 6

When we lose something valuable, we can’t help but thinking of what we could do to get it back, we can’t help but thinking how much it contributed to our lives. We become stuck in this place of wishful thinking, regret and guilt. We want to move forward, we want to break free but we can’t. We are simply stuck.

As he came in the room she noticed him dressed in a suit and she immediately smiled, “What’s the occasion?” her smile slowly faded as he started to explain to her that he wants her to accompany him to church. Her voice trembled and beads of sweat decided to make their debut. She was in total shock at what he proposed but suddenly she felt so much more for him in that very moment. She knew.

“It is always hard to go through the pain of losing something, someone or any trial. It isn't easy because not everything is. But as humans we live a very complicated life, but a life with hope, joy and peace just as much as the other bad things we can’t let go of. Every day we wake up, we go into the world holding on to things, some good and some not so good. Every day we punish ourselves holding on to all this pain, instead of leaving it at the feet of God. We hold on to these things that make us stuck, things that keep us from moving on in FAITH. Conflict will arise, Controversy will arise, and hard times will arise, but to deal with that, we all need courage and faith in God. We have to be strong enough to cry not without hope, but in good faith. We have to be strong enough to leave it at His feet and live life the way we ought. No we are not saying forget your sorrow, we are saying take the first step required to move on. Be honest with yourself and God. Find the strength! Find the strength in God!”

She sat there not realizing the tears and the warm hand on her shoulder. She sobs as she holds on to her center. She holds close the place that was once a home for another life. She holds close the place that is now haunted by life lost. She holds close the place she feels ruined her. In that moment she admitted the truth, she has been blaming herself all along and it was time to LET IT GO. 

Take Control of Your Own Happiness

Today I decided to flip throw the channels on the TV because I was too lazy to go and make breakfast; any who I came upon a Joel Osteen program and his topic for the program was 'Take control of your own Happiness'

Let me tell you, I have been thinking on this all day because it is so strange how happiness is simple to repeat each day but we don't or can't and just end up miserable or surface happy. So Joel spoke about four (4) types of people that may exist in our lives and how they can help to determine the quality of our lives.

1. There is the Lifter; these persons, just by being themselves, make you feel light, they allow you to feel happy and you leave their presence feeling refreshed.

2. There is also the Thruster; these persons motivate you through their words and also just by being themselves. They make you feel ready to conquer your dreams and your day.

3. There are the Weights; these persons constantly expect you to share the burden of their never ending sadness and negativity. They never uplift you; in fact they constantly weigh you down.

4. Lastly, there are the Drags; they also with negativity drag you down when you are soaring and you feel happy. With their words they drag you lower and lower into the pit of their sadness and they wish to keep you there. As they say "misery loves company".

As I listened to Joel, not in the exact words, explain these persons I was immediately able to sort the people I know into these categories and I instantly felt a need to cry. I thought to myself, who am I for the people around me; just as much as I thought about them.  He went on to say that we should try to be around Lifters and Thrusters because they will give you the allowance to meet your destiny and the greatness you are meant to. Weights and Drags, unfortunately, keep you stuck and you are so consumed in trying to make them happy and to please them that you ignore your purpose. I thought of people who not only drag or weigh me down with sadness and negativity; but I also considered those I feel so low about because of their blatant indifference.

I am grateful however for the people who have aided me thus far in my life; for those people who were there for me even when it got too rough. It is funny how the small things people do and don't do can immediately result in them falling into a category. I will never forget the moment I knew that there are some persons I just can't count on to be there during the rough stuff and those that I can. That I will save for another time when I feel stronger and can therefore handle being vulnerable.

Well, I really thought I'd share this with you guys because we all need to think about this, we have to evaluate the people we have in our space and what we are allowing them to feed our spirits. We have to also be mindful of how we treat others and what we feed them as well. But until you have figured it all out, before you go out in the morning fill yourself with motivation and positivity. Affirm each day, hour and minute the goodness you need to and constantly give thanks for who and where you are.

Peace.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR FRIEND!!!!

FIRST! Let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR FRIEND!!!!

I really don’t know how I met you and how we became friends but somehow I feel it’s not necessary because you feel like someone I have known for some time. I know that you are fun, crazy and real! I know that what I hear from you is the truth and you have my best interest at heart.

So yes I am more than glad that God brought you and kept you in this world and I pray He keeps you for many more and you are able to live happily and peacefully. You, De-Ann Kelly Rowe are TITANIUM! You are beautiful, talented, opinionated and a blessing from up above. You are a wife, sister, daughter, friend and a mother. You have been blessed with so much in life and I know more is ready to come.

I hope we rock out tonight and you enjoy the beginning of a new year of life. I wish you all the best and I hope that while we walk the road of life, we can walk it in each other’s company. Hope that wasn't too homo :p :D

Glee…Shooting Stars

Glee…Shooting Stars

Let me just say that this episode was just simply great…you could feel each moment and the emotions that filled it. I wouldn't have called this episode ‘shooting stars’, but ‘Last Chance’.

1.       Cat-fishing: From what I have read, this is a high form of deception because people spend time getting another person to trust them, only to turn out being fake. I really feel it for Ryder because he has obviously invested himself in this on line relationship. I love the way Glee speaks to things that actually happen to people, even if it is not the majority. I have some predictions as to who ‘Katie’ is but its best I not share that.

2.       The shooting…wooow is all I can say. I was standing in front of my TV in awe. I was afraid to breathe because something may happen. In all of it, I was most connected to Brittany and Sam, that moment when Mr. Shue had to cover Sam’s mouth…and Brittany in the bathroom silently crying because none of them know what’s coming. They were literally waiting for salvation, or death. A big thumb up to Heather Morris, I could feel the fear and the anxiety of the unknown in her acting, she was flawless and I really loved how her scene was shot. Brilliant.

3.       Ryder again! My, my, my, that phone ringing inside the choir room that was a twist. But I was upset with Ryder for not turning off the phone before, what if there was someone out there really hurting someone?

4.       Sue: What Sue did for Becky was such a brave and selfless move, Becky wouldn't be able to live that down. You could feel her fear. From what I have heard and read, schools in America are not easy, bullying is so rampant there that there are too many stories to follow. I understand the fear that Becky felt, even if she is a cheerleader, she knows she doesn't ‘fit in’ and that scares her because the world may not be so welcoming. I do believe though that she had that gun before she talked to Brittany.

5.       The music: OF COURSE, LOVED IT! I always love when Sam takes up his guitar and gets to singing, it opens my mind and heart and gives me perspective. Very good Ryan, this show is just…speechless

I know there are some persons who believe that it was unethical for the writers of Glee to do an episode which includes shooting in schools, but I don’t agree. Glee has always been about the controversy and touching on sensitive topics. There are authors who have written about shooting in schools and they did not get such scrutiny. I believe it was an insightful episode which I am glad ended with no one hurt. This is a part of reality; in Jamaica it is stabbing in schools or jungle justice and physical abuse. Someone needs to address the tough topics that are what they did yesterday. Loved this episode almost as much as I loved how the writers of One Tree Hill addressed the topic.

All in all I loved that episode because it was really about holding on to every moment you have because you never know when it will be your last. Show the people around you that you love and care for them. Open yourself to the possibilities of life and forget this living behind a wall idea. Because in the end “it’s better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again’ – John Mayer, Say (Covered by Glee Cast)

How Will She Ever Keep This a Secret? Part 5

"Babe! Hun, open your eyes!" But he knows, he feels it, she won't open her eyes because she is losing, she is falling apart. "Honey please, fight this, don't let the music end." For a moment he is there, crying silently in dismay, in relief, in utter confusion. Then she opens her eyes, 'I'm trying...' Those words lifted him through the clouds; he knew there and then that they are going to make it.

As she lies on the bed, she finds herself spilling to him all she has been hiding. She shows him her chest and he falls, how could he have been so blind? Is it that he saw and knew but felt it best to pretend not to? She holds his head but it's not the same, it is distant, not comforting...he can't fix this alone.

"How can you love someone and hate them so much? Is that possible? He hurts me to the core when I see him...I am unable to be, think or even breathe. But the moment he looks up I remember the brightness that shun within him, I remember the way his words made me dance. This was not his fault, he did not do this neither did he want this...but somehow he is the only person standing here with blood stains still on his hand. His fingers are marked in my back and on my stomach...he is the one. Tortured inside me, I still feel his being…He listens and watches me as I slip through the cracks of what use to be. He takes the burden of my shell and he decides to carry it...he sees the remnants of what use to be on my skin, but he knows we will get through this...for better, not worse.

My Short Sunday Journey

My Short Sunday Journey

Ever since I have been living with my Aunt, I only walk down the hill to the bus stop or pass places in a car. Today I woke up with so much on my mind, my life, my future, my mother, my relationship and most importantly My relationship with God. So I decided to take a walk and I never knew how relaxing that walk in the sun would have been. It opened my eyes to a few realizations;

                   1. There is peace in solitude: When I did my personality test, it said I need serious time alone to keep myself together, but I never knew the full meaning until I took that walk. I was walking with my headphones and it was just me and music praising God. I didn’t feel alone, or like I wanted company, I simply felt right. No matter the stares I got from people passing in their cars, I felt right.

                    2. There is a comfort in having a purpose. I knew where I was going and why I was on that journey, and it put me at ease, especially when I did what I wanted to do. There is so much anxiety in uncertainty and sometimes we need to be certain of what we are doing, why we are doing it and how we will achieve it. It is not an easy thing to achieve but even in the little things, it brings great comfort. My purpose was to walk and try to clear my head and that is what I did.

            3. There is joy in the creation of God. The trees, the flowers, the birds and the sun were all putting on a show for me today. I even saw a make shift waterfall, and thought it was simply a broken pipe, I stood there in awe of the beauty of this world. I have serious anxiety issues that I don’t share with most. I believe that is why I feel my emotions to such a degree. My hands sweat and my fingers swell when I am unable to release that emotion, it eats at me. I believe that I have been walking around with a lot of unreleased emotions and feelings and it broke me.

I wanted to go to church this morning, and I could never say that the walk was way better, but it helped me to find some amount of stillness in my mind. I was able to remember my reason for doing what I am doing at school and at work. I was able to breathe and accept that holding back on how I feel does not help any relationship I am in, when my lack of expression changes how I am towards that person. I was able to appreciate the little life I have and get my thoughts back on how to make the lives of others just a bit more bearable. 

I never expected what I got today, but I am very happy I did.

Until next time….