Knowing when to move on, is something we know but are not able to admit. When you have committed yourself to a relationship or friendship; it’s hard to believe that it is simply over. It is have to comprehend that, it is not worth saving. But how do we really know when it’s time to move on, and when is it simply time to start over, make things right? I won’t pretend to know when to do this; I won’t behave as if I have all the answers because I don’t. Everyone’s relationship is different; everyone’s feeling for someone is different. However, no one deserves to have their hearts broken everyday by the same person. When I say broken, don’t assume I just mean a boyfriend or a girlfriend, because friends have the capacity to break our hearts too, because we care for them.
He/she hurts you more than he/she shows he loves you: Sometimes people don’t really mean us any good. They are there to get what they want and move on. Think of a friend who only wants something from you, or a boyfriend who never ceases to humiliate and disrespect you; are they good for you? I am absolutely obsessed with this song ‘Hanging on’, and in it there’s a line that days ‘Every day I feel this pain, but you just turn and walk away. I just can’t keep hanging on to you and me’ Sometimes we have to realize that some people just aren’t good for us. I have been through it and it’s not going to help you in the long run.
Are you willing to play the role? : We all have a role that we play in people’s lives, this is a simple truth. Some persons are the fun friend, the friend to talk to about issues, or the friend to shop with and the list goes on. We can accept these roles and play them, or we can refuse to because it’s not enough for us. I was watching Laguna Beach and they were describing guys as purses, that you have that hot purse you want everyone to see you with, and another that you love so you carry everywhere. The sad thing is, people see other people like this; you may just be the person to joke with, have sex with or talk to about important things, but never more. Some people are able to live with this, others don’t want to. You have to decide which you want and then you will know when to move on.
Are you afraid to move on? : You have to ask yourself if it’s worth holding on it, or is it just that you are too afraid to try again. I can say from experience, that I was crippled by the thought of starting over, of finding someone else to love me. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s no reason to stay in a bad relationship. I had this boy that I loved for almost a year of my life, he knew just about everything there was to know about me and we had really good times, but I realized that I was holding on, not because I thought it was best but because I feared letting go would be too hard.
You don’t believe you can find someone else: Insecurities have a way of compromising the decisions we make. It can make us do things just because we think it’s what we deserve, or we can never get something better. This is no reason to stay in a relationship that is causing you great pain; you have to realize that you do deserve more.
You don’t think you could ever move on: There is this thing called the ‘Fallacy of Helplessness’ where people make themselves a victim and believe that satisfaction is controlled by forces they are unable to manipulate. They believe that the universe will never give them anything better, and they should just accept what they have. But like I said before, everyone deserves something great, and it doesn’t have to be flashy but it has to be true.
When you keep expecting him/her to change: If someone keeps doing the same thing over and over, and you keep telling them it hurts, at some point you have to realize that they are not going to change. People do what they do because they want to, or they believe they should. You can’t force someone to change; you can only show them why they should. Also, even if they change, who’s to say something else won’t come up, and this person will have to constantly modify who they are to suit you. This goes for you too; that is if he/she expects you to change.
When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself: Sometimes we have to call a spade a spade and move on. If he is constantly flirting with other girls and texting them, or disappearing with them. There comes a time when you have to stop making excuses. So, no it’s not your fault he hit you, he wasn’t just having a bad day. There’s this thing called cognitive dissonance, and it happens when our belief/value doesn’t match up without actions. It causes us to feel very uncomfortable, and one of the ways to ease that is to justify or rationalize. So you believe he loves you, but he keeps showing you different, so you rationalize and justify. Soon that won’t work anymore; soon the truth will hit you like a speeding bullet.
I was once in a relationship that caused me great pain, I started to realize that I cried way more than I needed to and I had great doubt and fear. He didn’t cheat on me (well not that I know), but I was hurt, I felt less than who I knew I was. I loved him, deeply; but what we had was destructive. I was tolerating things I shouldn’t have, I neglected my own feelings for his and I started to make me resent him.
I spoke to a psychologist once and she told me, ‘Write down the good and bad things about your relationship. But it’s not to see if there are more ‘good’ than ‘bad’, but for you to look at the bad and see if it is worth living with. Is the good, good enough to make up for the bad?’
I read an article that said, “It’s better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it accordingly, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.”
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