Thoughts

When I have my days off and I have no where to go, it can be the worst thing or the best thing ever.

Today is one of those days where it is not so good.

I find myself thinking about where I am in life and the fact that I want more.

My vacation days are coming and I need a way to keep myself occupied. I find that when I throw myself into things that involve other people and I don't get the desired response, I immediately get discouraged.

I need to stop that though...because there are things in my life that may involve others but I'm doing it for me as well.

I hope I find the strength to make a change in this world.  I hope I have the loyalty needed to be an amazing friend to others. I hope I have the wisdom to be a wonderful mother.

I pray I have 'a life that's good.'

Yeah so my thoughts are all over the place but to me they make sense.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 24

Last time I cried...

I try not to remember the times I've cried, simply because they may not have been the happiest moments of my life. But as luck would have it, I cried last night.

Usually, as typical as it may seem, I get very emotional when my cycle is about to start and during. I was feeling particularly sad, for whatever reason and I had a lot of cravings. This didn't make me cry though...it was my boyfriend who did.

Now this wasn't a bad cry but a good one. I started to think about him and felt so grateful for him. To know that we are in love and have been together for over 3 years.

I felt so happy that the best way to react was with tears.  Now he doesn't know, it wasn't 'bawling' it was just crying.

I love him so much!

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 19

Share a Secret...

I have been thinking about this since the day Perrisha shared this challenge with me. Honestly, I don't have much secrets, I try not to.

I do have a fear that I have not expressed to many people, so I guess it is sort of a secret. I fear I may not be able to bear children. Every time I think about it, I cast it out of my mind. But it keeps coming back.

My body has also never been the strongest, my menstrual cycle is like torture and for some reason, that heightens my fear.

But I pray to God for the strength and faith to drive away this fear. I pray for His healing hands so that if anything is wrong, it will be dealt with.

I have to put my trust in Him.




Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 20

How I imagined my 20s vs Reality...

When I was younger, I had big dreams for myself, I still do but I am a little bit more realistic.

I always imagined I'd be engaged by 22 or 23 yrs old and have my first child by about 25yrs. This is honestly because one of my biggest dreams is a family of my own. I have faith that this will happen in my twenties, but I am not sure they are going to happen on those exact years.

I also imagined I'd be having way more fun, and that I would be in a job I love. Reality is, I am too tired and broke to have a lot of fun. I think I have a decent amount of fun, I don't believe I hang out with my friends enough and I hope to change that as time goes by.

Really, my twenties have been great! Not what I imagined but it is much to be grateful for and I hope it gets better and better. I have a boyfriend of almost 4 years, I have good friends, I have a job, I am learning about responsibilities and soon how to cook. 

So yes, it may not be as great as my fairytale fantasies, but my reality is pretty awesome.



Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

February Writing Challenge - Day 21

21^st Picture In My Phone

There isn't much to say about this picture. I remember the night I took it though, I was feeling pensive and over thinking things. So I decided to lay down and fool around with the tablet for a bit, you know to try and occupy my mind.

I remember thinking just how much I love black and white pictures, so I started to take pictures of things in my room and alter them with the photo editor. I wanted to take a selfie but my hair wasn’t combed, so in an act to build self-esteem,  I took a picture of my legs. This is a big thing for me because I have a problem with my legs, so I rarely take pictures of them.

Checking now, I don’t believe I actually posted this picture, so I guess it is a good thing it was the 21^st picture in my phone.

:)

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

February Writing Challenge - Day 22

Long Lost Friend/Family Member

I stopped writing for a couple days, partially because I was busy and tired, but also because I did not feel the urge to. I was speaking to my friend, Hannah, and in encouraging her to write, I realize I too needed to be discipline and stick to writing. So I have decided to write on each day of this challenge that I missed.

In my life, I have lost friends and a family member. This past Thursday, I was able to reconnect with a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and also speak to someone who used to be very close to me.

They say real friendship can stand the test of time, but is that really true? Just because a friendship ended, does that take away the fact that while it existed, it was real and true? 

There was a time in my life when I refused to let people in, to let them see my struggles. But I came upon a group of people who cared for me and I too cared for them. When I first thought of what I would write for this challenge, it felt risky and so I decided against it. It was today, after watching Brene Brown's TEDTalk on Vulnerability, that I decided "So What".

While in university, I got very close with one of those friends, some would say too close. Others described our relationship as isolating, because it was almost as if no one else was there. At the time I didn't see this, or maybe I didn't want to admit it, but now I can see how this could have been the case. She was my friend, and I was her friend, that is all I bothered to care about. She was there for me and I was there for her, yes there were times of disagreement, but essentially, this friendship was real. At first I was a bit skeptical, but I was convinced after a while that I should invest in this friendship, because she made it seem worth it.

She shared things with me, that I believed no one else knew, and I shared with her. She helped me and I believe I helped her too. But somehow, all this faded and things crashed and burnt. To this day, I am unable to fully explain the reason we are no longer friends, the reason we did not speak to each other for years. I only know it had a little to do with control, acceptance and willingness. Things just went wrong, and it became a can of unresolved issues and cases of victimization. I was so bothered by this, that I could not stop talking about it, and picking at cases in my mind when I feel I should have known better. I started to try to find reasons to be angry at myself. 

In the end, I realized there was no need to. She was my friend, despite how the friendship ended. There were good times and right now I don't regret it. With all else that has happened, I have tried to develop an appreciation of the events in my life, good and bad. I have been trying to learn from each situation. So even though we are no longer close, or even friends really; I do care. I will also not hinder myself from forming other friendships because of fear. I am still here and because I know the importance of good friendships, for however many years I am alive I will continue to grow in my friendships and where the opportunity arises, I will form new ones.

I pray I am never friendless and that I will be able to be a friend for others. I have learned to fight for the people who mean a lot to me, and to let them know how much I care. I have learned value and importance and how to show that to the people around me. I have not mastered this, but I am learning to. So friendships that ended are not ones to be bitter and upset about…they are ones to learn from and to be grateful they existed.

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

February Writing Challenge - Day 23

 

100 Words...

All is Well.

Today I listened to Joel Osteen's message...This is what I got.

There may be times in our lives when situations, people around us and even our thoughts force us to feel discouraged, but we should not. Things don't always work out the way we want them to, but they work out.

Many of us harbour negative thoughts, feelings and people in our lives. We allow these weeds to grow and take over our crops.

God is a great God. He created a bright future for us, we have to believe and know that "All is well."

"Think of ways to encourage one another with outbursts of love and good deeds." - Hebrews 10:24

Do this for yourself too. Build up, don't break down.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 12

Praise A Person...


I have had friends in my life that were only here for a while, but there is one person who feels like more than a friend to me. This challenge to me is so great because it allows me to give thanks for someone in my life and hopefully that will help to lift her up as well. I feel to do this for all the important people in my life, but I will send that to them individually.

Patrice Grandison.

This girl is my best friend, sister and partner in crime. She is a few days older than I am, and unlike most friendship stories that started in childhood, our friendship really blossomed in Lower Six at Wolmer's Trust High School for girls. She has been there for me and I pray I will always be there for her. So she is my person to praise today.

Patrice has helped me through some of my roughest days and the days that seems a bit difficult. She was there and still is there for me with regards to my mother's passing. She helped me through a pretty tough breakup and has always encouraged me to do what is right in my heart. When everyone passed judgments on what they believed I should do, she pushed me to do what I believed was right for me. For this I praise her and love her even more.

Patrice is a smart girl, she learns quickly to me. She is dedicated and driven in her pursuit of her career path. She got a scholarship for University and after completing her first degree, she got into Medical School. She is an inspiration to girls who don't really have a lot but they have what matters; that's brains and spirit. There are times when she has expressed doubt and wanted to take a break, but she hasn't and that again makes her so much greater than she believes she is. She is determined and has heart!

No one is perfect, so she has her flaws and little things that may get me ticked off, but she is still a fabulous soul. She is vibrant, joyful, funny and a whole ball of excitement. She is one of the craziest persons I know and that is one of her best qualities. She knows how to get a person to smile and feel comfortable and that is an amazing gift. She hasn't had things easy, but when I see her, she rarely lets it show. She tries to find the brighter side of the day and gives God thanks for that.

She is trying to be a woman of faith and of God. Being young and at the age of "experimenting" this is a brave and life-changing decision. She has a boyfriend and for that I am proud, because she has matured to a state where she is able to allow herself to feel for someone else and to allow them to feel for her too. I am a sucker for love so this is just magnificent. 

She has shown such tremendous growth in her life and work and I proud for more from her. I speak into her life a balanced dedication, a wonderful family and a successful career. I pray that she will be able to change lives and live a God filled and happy one herself.


So *muah* Patrice! Keep up the good work and keep growing.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 11

Health Scare...

I have never really had a significant health scare, at least not compared to what others may have experienced. But to keep true to this challenge...Here we go.

I woke up with stomach pains that felt familiar and had me doubled over. I was sweating and needed to use the bathroom. It was no surprise that my period had started. I did my usual clean up and used the bathroom, going to bed expecting to fall asleep. I was wrong.

I tossed and turned and found myself visiting the bathroom to pass my waste more than twice within the hour. I decided to sit in the bathroom, because I was getting exhausted from the back and forth and passing what I didn't have inside me.

I started to feel as if I wanted to vomit, but it would not come. It stayed there, made my stomach upset and my situation worse than it needed to be. After waiting, I felt it. I vomitted and I figured based on the relief I felt, I could go back to bed.

With my back bent, I shuffled back to my room and in my bed, but I found no relief. I was in pain beyond belief and I could barely close my eyes long enough to blink. I conceded with myself and dragged myself down stairs to make myself a cup of tea. 

After I was done, I came back upstairs and straight to the bathroom where I released my bowels once more...I am weaker than I should be right now. I decided to sip the tea I made and take two pills. A little while passed and I felt relief again. I went back to my room and laid on the ground, but the minute I stayed still for a bit, the pains started and I had to move.

I felt as if there was something inside me that needed to get out. I was going to die was my thought, I was not being mellodramatic. My head was ripping apart, I could not stop passing stool and my stomach was falling out of my body. I prayed to God for it to stop, for this to be a normal first day of my period.

Just as I took another sip of my tea and thought it was helping to settle my stomach, I felt the uncontrollable urge to vomit. I tried to get calm and hoped that would ease the feeling, but it didn't so I tried to crawl to the bathroom. 

I did not make it. 

I did feel relief, as if whatever it was that was clawing at me from the inside, was no longer there. I was too weak to move, but I found the strength to call my aunt who found me just as I was about to pass out in my own vomit.

She carried me to bed and gave me a glass of water and I only remember saying Thank God before I would assume I fell asleep.

I would never wish that feeling on anyone. Just the thought that your body was either failing you or fighting itself and hurting you in the process.

But in all things give thanks. It could have been much much worse. Praises on to the Most High.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 10

Defining Life Moment...

A moment that define or redefine you. Can be good or bad and had an impact on the way you view yourself and your life.

My defining moment was one that caused me to change the way I dealt with things...this came little by little but the progress was a result of this moment.

November 26, 2007.

My mother died.

Losing someone is not easy, but for many it is the last moments of someone else's existence that opens their eyes to aspects on their own. I was no different.

My mother had breast cancer. It is sad for me because I can't tell you exactly what it did to her. I know it was hard because I saw that, but she was so strong that she tried to keep her spirits high.

I never really experienced lost until that day my mother died.  When I heard, I passed out but never fully got what it meant. I cried but never really felt. I felt it a few weeks or less after her funeral, when I was sleeping in class and had a dream that broke me down. 

When my mother died, everything else started to come to me. Like a gate, this single event opened my mind and brought out memories I worked so hard, not knowing, to forget. Childhood memories I wish were no more.

It was truly the hardest time of my life. I was not only struggling with her death, but also fighting my new reality. It felt as if no one truly got it and I was alone. I was in one of the darkest places of my life. I had night terrors, I cried in my sleep and felt completely void of happiness. Some of the people around me noticed that I was off, but they never really knew the extent to which my hurt had taken root in my heart.

I had lost my mother, the woman who should be here to help me on my wedding day, when I am giving birth to my child. A woman I needed to know more and be with more, she was simply gone and I had no say. Anger burnt the coldness of my heart until only tears were left...when that was used up I was back to that emptiness, familiar but sickening.

I found the strength to open up to a friend I never truly appreciated until this time. Patrice. She was my friend and I loved her, but losing someone you expected to be there always, made you hold on to everyone else a little harder. I started to notice that little by little, things got better. I was able to express. I was able to speak more freely to the other persons around me. I solidified in my mind what my purpose is in this world. I knew then that I want to be able to help persons get through the rough patches of their lives.

Before and during the time of my mother's passing, I never gave much regard to expressing my feelings and I am not sure why. But when you experience a load of pain, squeezing your heart because you kept it all in, you realize, it can kill you.

It took me some time, and I still cry for her but I know that I am different. I appreciate a little more the simply things in life. I try to let the people around me know I love them. I try to look on the brighter side, because I never want to feel that sadness again. It may happen, but I hope to be able to cry with hope and not despair. 

So maybe my defining life moment happened after my mother passed, a day when I decided to change how I viewed this world. I honestly don't know. But I do know this, she was my mother, my channel to this Earth. I miss her and losing her changed my life. At first for the worst, but I know now that we can live through the dark days and as cliche as it sounds, "The storm won't last always."

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 9

Theme song of my life...

This is beyond difficult.

When I listen to music, and I mean songs that really hit me, I am no longer here. My heart beats with the song and I can't help but to sing it as well. It is hard for me to find a song to be the theme song of my life right now, because I am actually all over the place. I try to find my footing, but right now I am not sure where that is.

The song I chose though, speaks to how I want to feel as well as how I feel now. It is 

Nashville Cast - A Life That's Good (feat. Lennon & Maisy)

Sittin' here tonight,

By the fire light,

it reminds me I already have more than I should.

With all that I have been through in my life, one would think I would be worse off than I am now. With everything that has happened recently, I am beyond grateful that I have a roof over my head, a job and food to eat. I have more than I should and more than many could even dream of. My riches right now cannot be borrowed, they are not material but are apart of my soul, my mind and my being.

I don't need fame, no one to know my name,

at the end of the day,

Lord I pray, I have a life that's good.

A lot of people crave to be know and seen. Honestly, I don't need the flashy, I don't ask for popularity. I want to be happy and to be able to make others happy. So I don't strive to be like the Kardashians, or anyone else on E! or Bravo or another of those other reality shows. If I am only known by my friends and family, and I am able to make a change in their lives, then, shoot, I am beyond grateful.

Two arms around me, Heaven to ground me,

and a family that always calls me home.

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share

and a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,

Lord I pray ,

I have a life that's good.

What is more satisfying than the gift of love? What more can we ask for when we have stability, companionship and the heavenly grace of God? This is my want and my need. Some may think I am not asking for a lot and i need to strive for more, but this is the greatest gift and the hardest to achieve for most. I will not be lonely, sad, homeless or any of that. I will have a life that's good.

Sometimes I'm hard on me,

When dreams don't come easy,

I wanna look back and say,

I did all that I could,

Yeah at the end of the day, Lord I pray,

I have a life that's good.

Life isn't as easy as we may wish for it to be, and things get hard and right now I feel stuck. I feel as if I need to be doing way more than I am not. Yes, I am young, but I have dreams as the song says and they are not coming easy. I want to go back to school and get my master's, have a better job and start a family. I pray for the strength and the blessings that will help me to achieve these things.  But I also want to know that when it is all said and done, I did my best and I lived.

at the end of the day, Lord I pray

I have a life that's good

I pray for a life that is good, and I will also work to have a good life. I promise myself that I will focus on the positives in my life, I will give thanks and spread kindness to others. I pray for the strength to forgive, to guide and to help others. I pray...at the end of the day...for a LIFE THAT IS GOOD.

I guess it wasn't so hard after all.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 8

New/Different City...

I don't travel. The most I have done is go to another parish for a day or two but I have never left this small island.

But I find that I have a longing to visit beautiful places,  like other islands or landmarks. Relaxation is my aim when I go on a trip.  I should be able to travel and have fun.

I remember going to Portland with my friends for my boyfriend's birthday and that was such a great experience. To be away from the chaos of my regular life was a blessing. To lay on the beach and feel the cool water on my skin...that is a bit of heaven.

Jamaica is a beautiful place, so trust me when I say that going to Montego Bay, Ocho Rios, Portland or anywhere other than Kingston is an experience for me.

I have promised myself that until I am able to muster the courage to travel internationally, I will try to visit wonderful places on my island.  Places like Tower Isle that has amazing resorts, a mineral bath, a cave, just somewhere different.

Being away from the same scenery can prove to be therapeutic for most. It is that escape you get when you read a book or you listen to a song.

I want to be able to visit islands like Barbados and other countries like England ans Brazil. I need to see more or God's creation...to experience the diversity of His people. That is a great blessing.

So I may not have travelled much, but it is apart of my plan and I will start in my own backyard.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 7

Because I have a blog people assume...

I feel myself and my work. I am actually very critical of myself and what I write. When I post something I get so nervous I am almost pushing my close friends to read so they can give me some true feedback.

That's why I am proud of myself, I write about the things that concern me and that I love and I put it out there for the world to see. This is why aspects of this challenge is great for me because I get to let go.

People also assume I am mad creative.  I am not. I try to be insightful and read a lot but I am not creative. I can't make music, I can't draw or decorate. I also cannot write a full story on my own but I am learning.  So if having a blog means I am a work in progress then damn skippy you are right.

People also assume I am 'emo'...I am not. I believe I am fun but I am just expressive.  I try not to keep negative emotions locked in and I also try to be as positive as I can be. Yes I have down days and I will write about it, but that does not make me 'emo'.

People also assume I am very aware of what's happening in the world. I'm actually not.  I should be more aware of the important stuff but for the most part I am not. I am not into politics nor do I follow up on the lives of celebrities.  So if you are expecting a blog about the life of a celeb,  forget it.

I don't know what else people assume and I actually try not to care. I write because it helps me to express myself clearly.  It also keeps me connected to my future,  psychology.  I hope the things I write may touch someone and if it does then that's all that matters.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 6

Embarrassing moment...

I have so many I can't decide which is appropriate.  Lol but here it goes.

I was in first form at Wolmer's Trust High School for girls and it was right in the middle of a political election. We had to leave school early because of civil unrest so every one was pretty much on edge.

Our school chartered buses to carry us in specific general directions,  good for me there was a bus going to Duhaney Park. So a few of my friends and I hurried and made our way to the bus. I had my dictionary in my hand and o remember my friend telling me to put it in my bag but I just brushed her off.

The bus turned out to be packed and so we had to stand. My crush was on the bus though so I didn't mind much standing close to him. We were waiting for a while though and my friends started to say 'funny' things about my crush, honestly I was torn between laughing and ignoring them. He could actually hear what they were saying but I didn't want to seem 'uncool'.

Anywho, my dictionary started to become a problem because couldn't hold on properly.  So I decided to put it in my bag and right at that moment, the bus started to move.

I fell. Flat on the ground, bag half open and my book in my hand. He was staring right at me, laughing along with everyone else on the bus.

Now know this, Jamaican children cab be mean and they love to jeer each other, I feel (pun intended) into a trap that had me teased for months.

I have other moments, like the time a friend dared me to put my school socks on my hand and hair, then dance where the 4th form boys could see me. But I won't share the full details of that.

Thanks for reading!

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

Feb 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 5

A day in the life of Me...

5:15am:

It is one of the hardest things for me to get out of bed, but I have work at 7 and I need to get going.  When you take the bus, you have to leave your home earlier than others.  That's me.

Of course because I am tired, my body and mind are trying to find every way to rest. So I end up trying on different clothes and just sit there. I found something though, a pink ruffled top and my black pencil skirt.  To the shower I go. The water is already hot because I turned it on as soon as I woke up.

Here comes the rush. It is all a blur, I just know I got ready, got my breakfast and lunch and was out by about 6:15am. I ended up walking half of the way down the hill. But I got a taxi and a bus pretty quickly and got to work by 6:43am.

7:15am

I have started my rounds. Calls are coming in a lot but I am managing the best I can. I have to try to keep my spirits high.

9:00am
I was asked to log into live chat. God thank you because I was getting tired of talking. I feel withdrawn a bit today. I don't know why but it seems appropriate.

Nadine has cake too, black forest and cheese cake. I honestly hope I get a piece of each because I could use a pick up. J.

11:21am

Seems a number of people are in the typing mood today. It is not so bad though. I feel as if I have a lot on my mind but I am trying to sieve through it all. I wish I could be able to curl up and read my book. I started to read The Mortal Instruments again; I am on to book two City of Ashes.

It is strange to me, how in a society of “educated” and “enlightened” beings, we have so many persons who fail to read with understanding and to listen. My gosh I find that I am repeating myself over and over. It is the most frustrating thing, especially when you are typing. Written words don’t just fly away you know. Jeesh!

But as you may have realized, my life is not so exciting. Usually I get some memorable customers, good and bad but not today. But let me not speak too soon.

The trouble being a customer care representative most times, is distinguishing targets made at the self and those made to the company. For me personally, I believe people need to learn how to relate to each other, especially strangers. You make a mark based on how you speak to the person or refer to them. We are told to call the customer’s name as a way of personalizing the customer and making them feel like an individual, but I guess because they are “paying” for a service, they don’t feel the need to respect the agent most times.

But that is my two pence. These are people we are dealing with, on both ends. I am not an inanimate object without feelings. Whether you are referring to me directly or not, speak with respect.

6:44pm

I had a good day at work and now I am home. I have showered and I am doing some work. Trying to sort out the next charity mission for the book club I am apart of. I have been losing my focus and drive but I am getting it back slowly.

I have to push myself, because if I don't, no one else will. I need to make a change somehow. I need to know that I was able to enhance someone else's life some way some how.

Today someone asked me if my blog was popular, and honestly it isn't. I don't need for it to be. Because I am not doing this for likes, I am doing it for personal development and fulfillment. I am doing this so that even if I touch just one person, I did a great deal.

Not much more is gonna happen for me. Just going to watch last night's episode of Being Mary Jane, eat the last half of my muffin and finalize this charity mission.

Thank you to those who read my blog. I appreciate it.

Advice & Beyond

@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 WRITING CHALLENGE - Day 4

Poem...

Have you ever felt the sun on your back?
The wind in your face?
Tell me then what do you lack, So much that you sit here as wasted space.

Your life is great and you are meant to live it.
Do not lose these years, for that mistake would be your biggest.

You are blessed and highly favoured beyond what you may believe.
You can do magnificent things,  far beyond that which you are now able to conceive.

So please do not lie here in self pity.
But spread your wings and soar high above this city.

You are God's creation, capable of powerful things.

Advice & Beyond
@Looking_Within

FEB 2014 Writing Challenge - Day 3

Story in the 70s, 80s or 90s.

I don't even know if what I am wearing is nice enough, and this is just making me even more anxious, too anxious to even begin to find something else to wear. I can't help but to think this is a dream and that he is going to cancel. James told me last week after class that he started to realize his feelings for me went deeper than friendship. I was more than happy to hear this.

I have loved James ever since we started university, he was my best friend and I am sure, he was meant to be my first and last. But I started to get doubtful when he suggested we watch the premiere of the Titanic with Leonardo DeCaprio. James hated romance films, but I said yes because I have been waiting for this movie for weeks.

I can hear him talking downstairs with my dad, they have always been too close for comfort. That is why I wasn't surprised when my dad knew about this date before I did. I decide to make my way downstairs and as look at him, I start to glow. This sun is in my heart, I am sure.

 "You ready to go?" He asks and I can only manage to nod. I kiss my father goodbye and leave as the butterflies start to go. He borrowed his dad's pick up he says because he didn't want for us to have to take the bus or call a cab. Then he opens the door for me and I know this is real for him too. Something has changed. We talk a little about school but my mind isn't here. I wait for a break in our conversation and I ask, "Why Titanic?" And he just says, "Because you want to." 

I can't help but to smile and we approach the theatre. I notice him hurrying to park so that he could come around and open my door. As a joke I rush out just to beat him. He notices my efforts and laughs, I hear a trace of embarrassment and reassure him that he doesn't have to. He looks me in the eyes and says, "I know, but I need you to understand how much this means to me. So if it's the little things like watching a movie you are dying to see our opening the door for you, I am going to do it. Because I think I'm falling in love with you Kalie."

There it is...my fireworks moment. I'm frozen, to happy to breathe for fear of waking up. I just want to stay here and talk all night. I just want to feel his heart beat and know that some how, falling fir me changed its rhythm. "Kalie? Are you okay?" I don't reply immediately.  I just look at him and put my hand on his cheek, " Yes, I'm okay. I love you, James. I always have."

This movie is better than I imagined, the acting is great but he is here with me. As if he read my mind earlier,  he takes my hand and puts it on his chest.  "You feel that? You changed the beat of my heart." Without a second in between,  he kisses me lightly, taking my breath away and I know, he will always be able to do that.