He touched me gently, too gently if you ask me. It’s as if he expects me to break, it’s as if he fears she may break.
I don’t believe I’m brave, in fact I am starting to rethink this. What if we both don’t make it? What if I live? How will I go through each day knowing I lost apart of me, knowing I couldn’t save her?
A little over 8 months ago I found out I was pregnant, and honestly I couldn’t have been happier, it was the best day of my life. But with all good things comes a price, I found out a few months after that I have a terrible disease and that I may die if I give birth to my baby, or she could die, or worse we both die. Now I’ve always had a problem where I expect the worse possible outcome, and can you really blame me in this case? Either way I’m screwed. It’s either I die and she lives or she dies and I live. Ryan keeps saying that we will have a miracle and we’ll both survive, but I just can’t believe that. the doctor said the odds are very low.
As I sit here looking at my protruding belly, I have so many doubts. Was I stupid to carry this baby to term? Will she change the world? Will she live an amazing life without me because she understands the great sacrifice that was made? Will Ryan be able to love her and raise her on his own?
I want her to know how much I love her. I want her to know my flaws and my strengths, I want her to understand that she doesn’t have to live her life wishing she met me, because I am within her.
When I found out what may happen, I started a journal for her; telling her about some of the best and worst days of my life. I want her to know me, I want her to remember me. I want her to meet me. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I am strong enough or brave enough to give birth to this baby.
Everyday I look in his eyes, I know he is counting down just as much as I am. How could I have done this to the man I am suppose to spend the rest of my life with? Does he hate me? Does he understand me? Will he look at her in regret knowing she lived and not me? There are too many thoughts in my head.
I feel a storm rising inside my heart, its breaking down the walls. I have always wanted a baby of my own; someone to love me and look to me for help. I wanted that connection that not even death could sever. But I won’t get that, because I will be dead on the day that she is born. That’s my faith. I am praying for a miracle and that Ryan will be able to forgive me for breaking his heart.
I am exhausted, I am worn. Its hard for me to keep my eyes open. But I see a light, and I hear a whisper, ‘I promise you, I won’t let anything happen to you.’ Like a symphony, his kiss melts into his whisper and I know I’m safe. I know that even if this doesn’t end the way we both hope, that I had support in the form of his love. That God will be there to guide me, and to guide Ryan. That he will be able to do this without me, because he won’t be alone.
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